


Winter Soil

by Mntsnflrs



Series: Embers [3]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Small Town, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bullying, Denial of Feelings, Found Family, M/M, Mentions of Drowning, Minor Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Qian Kun, Minor Lee Taeyong/Suh Youngho | Johnny, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:54:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 20,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28417191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mntsnflrs/pseuds/Mntsnflrs
Summary: There was a problem Jaehyun had that always seemed to be exacerbated by Doyoung’s presence. The problem of opening his mouth when he needed to keep it closed. “You could come over here for the day, if you’d like.”
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung
Series: Embers [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1697047
Comments: 190
Kudos: 419





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I hope everyone enjoys! As always, thank you so much for reading xo

Despite being only one of four seasons, winter always felt like the longest. Maybe it was because it came last, and the end of a cycle always seemed to drag on, or maybe it was simply that life itself seemed to slow its pace, encumbered by the heavy, cold weather, the bleak skies and lingering nights.

“How is Johnny?”

Jaehyun looked up from his plate. Not so much surprised by the question itself, but more the fact that his mother had remembered Johnny’s name. “Fine,” Jaehyun said. “He’s excited for the snow.”

She nodded, lifting her wine glass to her red lips. “I hear that the snow always hits harder in rural areas. Is it true?”

He stabbed at his chicken with slightly too much aggression, but as always it was ignored by the others at the table. “Yes,” he replied. “It’s usually down to community efforts to keep roads and communal buildings open during the winter months.”

“Do you help?”

“Yes.”

She hummed, drinking again. “It won’t be good for your shoulder, darling. All that shovelling.”

His back ached just from the thought, but he’d cut out his own tongue before he told her that. “I’ve shovelled worse.”

His father laughed. “That’s right, I’m sure the animals are more trouble when the air is hot and they start to stink. At least when it’s cold their shit is frozen along with everything else.”

His parents laughed together, sharing a fond glance that made Jaehyun’s hands cramp with the need to throw his plate.

“Is there less to do on the farm during winter?” His mother asked, bringing the conversation back to Jaehyun.

And immediately he knew what was coming. “Less with the animals, but not less overall,” he said, meeting her eyes. “I’m still needed.”

“Needed, or too stubborn to come home?” she asked, no longer smiling. “Couldn’t Johnny do without you for a couple of weeks, darling? We miss you dearly, and it’s been so long since you’ve stayed with us.”

“I can’t,” Jaehyun said, voice tight, anger fading. He wanted to be angry, to be furious at the way they still laughed at his job like he was wasting away his time with a fruitless hobby, he wanted to hate them for the way they acted like he was still a stupid kid with no real thought of the future - but he couldn’t. He couldn’t stay angry, not when his mother looked so sad to see how desperate he was to leave her home. “I’m sorry, but in the winter they need me more than ever. Like I said, it’s a communal effort to keep the town running.”

“And _this_ community? Your family? What about us?”

“You have a driver,” Jaehyun said, as gently as possible. “The roads are gritted frequently. Emergency services are never more than an hour away. Things out there – they aren’t like that. If you don’t salt the roads, they stay covered in ice. If you don’t drive elderly neighbours to the doctors, they don’t go. It’s my duty to help as much as I can.”

“We raised you well, Jaehyun,” she said, no inflection in her tone. “If only you’d show us the same kindness as you show to others, I believe we’d be quite the happy family.”

He looked back down at his half empty plate and knew that dinner was over. “I understand.”

“Drive Seungwan home on your way out of the city,” his mother said in the same empty voice, “It’s the least you can do for the girl since you’ve made your stance on her so obvious.”

He nodded, standing slowly.

Seungwan followed, rising from her chair with unmasked uncertainty. “The meal is over?”

“Yes, darling,” his mother said, “I’m afraid it is. Please apologise to your parents for me when you get home, won’t you? I thought Jaehyun had moved past this.” Her gaze felt like ice against his skin. “Consider it a lucky escape, Seungwan. I would hate for you to be burdened with his immaturity.”

-

The drive to Seungwan’s home was awkward, but no more so than the dinner. At least without his parent’s eyes, Seungwan seemed more comfortable. She leaned against the window, her long hair curling softly against her shoulders, gleaming platinum under the streetlights.

“So, no second date?”

Jaehyun’s hands tightened on the wheel. “No,” he said. “I’m sorry.”

She shrugged, unbothered. “I don’t mind. It was mainly for our parents’ sake anyway,” she said. “At least I can get back to my work without the guilt of not having tried.”

He made a noise of agreement.

“Do you really like working on a farm, Jaehyun?” she asked suddenly, voice lilting with curiosity. “I remember you as a teenager, you know. Your expensive clothes and perfectly manicured hands. I can’t picture you knee deep in mud.”

He couldn’t have imagined it either, as a teenager. But looking down at his hands on the wheel, his fingernails were short and ragged, his palms callused and rough, the skin dry. “I like it,” he admitted, too quiet, too vulnerable. “I like knowing I’m making a difference, even if it’s just for one sheep, even if it’s just so that Johnny can go to bed an hour earlier than normal.”

“Why do your parents hate it so much? I thought they would have been happy to see you doing something so laborious.”

“I thought so too, at first,” he replied. “But then again, your parents have always been so proud of your career. Why is it now that they’re trying to marry you off?”

She sighed. “Good point.” The ring on her thumb spun slowly as she fiddled with the emerald. “I think they’re just trying to help, as silly as it sounds. They want what’s best for us in their minds, even if we know it isn’t what would really make us happy.”

“They think you need children?”

“They think I need someone other than a cat.”

He laughed, a little surprised by her derision. “And you don’t want company?”

“No more than you,” she said, eyes sliding from the window to meet Jaehyun’s gaze. “If I find someone then that’s all well and good, but it will be on my terms when it happens. I’ll humour my parents while I feel kind enough, and then it will stop. They know not to push me when I express my limits.”

Jaehyun laughed again, this time without amusement. “I wish mine knew the same.”

Seungwan laughed too, tinkling and pretty. “But have you truly shown them your limit? Just from one dinner I could see that they don’t know you at all. How are they to know when enough is enough if you refuse to show them?”

It was a sobering thought, but one that Jaehyun didn’t want to contemplate until he was at home, his fire lit and warming, Chibi laid across the floor with her head in Jaehyun’s lap. “You’re much more acute than I remember, Seungwan.”

“I am the way my mother raised me, whether she likes it or not,” she said, grinning. “I like you, Jaehyun. Much more than I did when we were teenagers, anyway. You were a horrible snob.”

“I was,” he agreed.

“Maybe if I take a holiday over the coming months I’ll drive down to visit you in your homely little town,” Seungwan said, as if Jaehyun had already offered his spare room. “It’s been many years since I’ve been out in the country, and never when it snows.”

And while it was his gut reaction to scoff, Jaehyun found that he didn’t want to. The thought of Seungwan’s company wasn’t as scary as it had appeared only hours ago, her arrival at his parent’s home expected to everyone other than Jaehyun. “Sure,” he said, light. He flicked his indicator on and pulled into her driveway, parking the car while she unbuckled her seatbelt. “You’d be welcome to visit.”

“Then I will,” she said simply. “Drive home safely, Jaehyun. Watch out for ice.”

He sent her a wave and then backed out, arm over the empty passenger seat as he reversed back onto the road.

When he glanced back to Seungwan’s door to make sure she’d gotten inside safely, she was stood staring at the car. She waved, smiling slightly, before going inside and closing the door firmly.

Jaehyun turned the heater up and got comfortable for the long journey ahead, thinking of another passenger in his car, someone taller, hair darker, eyes shrewder, more ambitious than even Seungwan, more unyielding.

-

It was the middle of the night when Jaehyun finally pulled into his own driveway, and a light snow had already started to settle over the roof, days earlier than it had been predicted to arrive. Cold to his bones, he hurried into the house and toed off his polished shoes, picking them up to carry into his room so that when Chibi returned home from Johnny’s in the morning she wouldn’t immediately start chewing them.

He fixed himself a herbal tea and took it to his bedroom along with the shoes, unbothered by the silence, readying himself for bed as quickly as possible to avoid prolonged exposure to the frigid air.

By the time he was nestled in his sheets, the tip of his nose felt like ice, though it thawed when exposed to the steam from his drink.

He took a sip and burnt his tongue, but swallowed anyway, enjoying the heat of the liquid as it eased the pain of his cold throat.

His toes stayed cold, usually warmed by the weight of Chibi sprawled across the foot of the bed, but it was nothing he couldn’t sleep through. Empty beds were familiar, sleeping alone a well traversed concept that didn’t hurt nearly as much as it used to.

-

When Jaehyun woke up the next morning, the bed wasn’t empty.

“Hey,” Yuta said, sat with a mug of Jaehyun’s coffee, dressed only in his underwear.

Jaehyun frowned, rubbing his eyes. “Dude, the fuck? What time is it?”

“Like, half six?”

“Why are you half naked in my bed?”

“You’re the only one I knew I wouldn’t be interrupting.”

“What?”

“Taeyong arrived yesterday. I’m not getting in the way of Johnny’s much needed morning sex.”

Yuta was a lot at the best of times, but half past six in the morning when Jaehyun had less than three hours of sleep under his belt meant that Yuta seemed even more illegible than he usually did. “But why are you in anyone’s house at half past six?”

“My pipes are frozen.”

“So?”

 _“So,_ I need a shower, but I currently don’t have hot water.”

Jaehyun rubbed his face. “Did you try boiling a kettle and melting the ice in the pipes?”

Yuta sat back, surprised. “You know what? I didn’t. Oh well, I’m here now. Can I use your shower please?”

“Sure,” Jaehyun said, still too disorientated to put up a fight. “Go wild.”

“I will, don’t you worry.”

“Wait, I’ve changed my mind. Don’t go wild, go very calmly.”

“It’s too late for that!” Yuta chirped, clambering out of the bed and heading towards the bathroom. “And did you hear, babe? Doyoung should be arriving today. He’s spending another week at Kun’s so that we can have a Christmas party like the old times, but now with more booze and probably more sex. You can progress your crush!”

Jaehyun’s general confusion turned to dread. “No one told me.”

“Of course they didn’t, you would have worried!”

“I’m worrying _now!”_

“It’s too late to do anything about, so you should just get on with your day.”

“Get out, I don’t want you using my shower anymore. You’re a bad friend.”

Yuta stuck his head back through the bedroom door and grinned. “When are you picking Chibi up? She’s much nicer than you.”

Jaehyun threw a pillow, but Yuta was quick to dodge, laughing loudly until the bathroom door closed behind him.

-

It was evident as soon as Jaehyun arrived at the farm that Johnny was looking for forgiveness, his index fingers pressed together as he pouted.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I should have told you, but Kun told me not to.”

“So everyone was in on it?”

Johnny nodded, fingers still together, still pouting. “We just want what’s best for you.”

Jaehyun sighed. “I appreciate that, but if he doesn’t want anything to do with me then you can’t force it.”

“It isn’t that he doesn’t want you, it’s that he doesn’t _know_ he wants you,” Johnny said, earnest. “Doyoung is a stupidest smart guy I know, and trust me, I know him way better than he thinks I do.”

“Johnny-“

“You don’t have to do anything. You don’t even have to see him if you don’t want to,” Johnny said, no longer playing around. “But Taeyong wanted Doyoung here so that he’d be around to spend time with the boys, you know?”

Jaehyun rubbed his face, torn. “It’s not your fault,” he said. “You and Taeyong have every right to see your friend, I’m just being an idiot. I’ll get over it eventually.”

“No rush,” Johnny said, squeezing his shoulder. “I’ve been an idiot for a long time now, and it’s not so bad.”

Jaehyun laughed weakly. “Where’s my girl?”

“She’s running Donghyuck around the garden. You want her home now?”

“Please.”

Johnny nodded. “I’ll get her. Come in and say hi to Yong, he’s making some breakfast.”

So Jaehyun followed Johnny into the farmhouse, pausing in the kitchen to give Taeyong a soft hug before Chibi ploughed him over.

“Do you like winter, Jaehyun?” Taeyong asked, passing over a coffee. “I like watching it from indoors. It’s cosy as long as the heating is on, but I have to admit that I don’t do well with the cold. It hurts my joints.”

“I don’t mind it,” Jaehyun murmured. He sipped the coffee, finding it hot and sweet. “Thanks for the drink.”

Taeyong smiled. “You’re welcome. Thank you for welcoming me back into town by allowing me to cuddle with Chibi on my first night back. She’s wonderful.”

He smiled down at where Chibi was sat on his feet, her heavy tail thumping on the floor. “She is,” he said, stroking one of her soft ears. “Big and clumsy, but her heart is golden.”

“Like Johnny,” Taeyong said. “Or you.”

Jaehyun laughed, feeling the tips of his ears begin to warm. “I’m not as bad as Johnny pretends,” he said. “He exaggerates my clumsiness to cover for his own lack of coordination.”

“I don’t doubt that for a second,” Taeyong said, smile turning rueful. “I’ve been here one night, and he’s already knocked my toothbrush into the toilet.”

“Yeah, that sounds about right. Do you have a spare?”

Taeyong nodded, bringing his own mug to his mouth. “When you have three boys, you learn very quickly that you need spares of everything. I just never thought it’d be _my_ toothbrush in the toilet.”

“How are they? The boys, I mean.”

“Good,” Taeyong said, brightening as he always did when it came to talking about his kids. “They’re all enjoying school, but they’re happy for a break. They’re excited for snow, too. It’s never the same in the city as it is out here in the fields.”

Jaehyun nodded. Now that he was looking, he could see the start of a change in Taeyong. His cheeks weren’t so hollow, his fingertips no longer bloody. He looked like a weight had been removed in the same way that Johnny did, like they’d been thrust right back into the puppy love that had never truly ended with their parting at eighteen. “I’m glad they’re well,” Jaehyun said. He drained his mug quickly and rinsed it in the sink. “I’m glad you’re well too, Taeyong. I hope you all enjoy your holiday.”

“Thank you,” Taeyong said, soft. It made Jaehyun jump when he felt Taeyong’s cold hand on his forearm, but there was no malice in the touch, just Taeyong’s usual gentleness. “I hope you enjoy the winter period too, Jaehyun. Do you work less during this time of year?”

“Less on the farm, more around the town.”

Taeyong nodded. “If you ever need help, please let me join you. I’d be happy to contribute where I can.”

-

And then, because winter usually turned out that way, Jaehyun ended up having to take back his own words. Johnny rang at noon because one of the rams had broken through a fence, so less than a handful of hours after Jaehyun said he wouldn’t be around, Taeyong was making him another coffee. This one was in a flask, screwed tightly with caution for Jaehyun to pocket as he wrapped himself up and shoved his legs into his leather boots.

Johnny stood by the door, exasperated, tool kit already balanced between his gloved hands.

In the various romance books Jaehyun had read over the years, either out of curiosity or sheer boredom, he found that this was the aspect they always got wrong. Farm life was seen as idealistic, the perfect way to unwind away from the stress of the city.

It wasn’t idealistic.

It was, at times, fucking ridiculous.

Watching Johnny chase a ram around a field was bad enough, but then getting stuck in thigh deep mud and almost losing the hammer made things worse. Hands slipping because of the biting cold, hitting your own fingertip and watching the bruise bloom beneath the nail made things worse. The throbbing pain was hot, but it reminded you of how cold the rest of you was, and that made things worse. Fixing the fence only for Johnny to slip in the mud and almost break it again made things worse.

It was not idealistic.

“D’you think we should move them into the smaller field?” Johnny asked, catching his breath for a moment, the headstrong ram back with the herd. “The grass isn’t as churned up and it’s closer to the barn for when the snow really hits.”

Jaehyun nodded, trying to ignore the pain in his finger. It was starting to swell, but the injury was common enough. Some scalding salt water would stop infection as long as he didn’t leave it too long. “I think we should leave the barn open now. The snow seems to be settling much earlier than it was meant to, and we don’t want to leave it too late and have to dig out a path for them.”

“Yeah, good point.” Johnny straightened with a groan, rolling his arms. “How’s your shoulder?”

It was a dull pain, but one almost entirely drowned out by the pain in his finger. “Fine. Come on, let’s get this done.”

And that wasn’t idealistic either, but at least moving the herd didn’t take as long as chasing that one ram. They were more placid as a group, and to an extent, Jaehyun could understand. Yuta was easier to boss around when he was in a group too, but Jaehyun wouldn’t place his bets on any one person winning an argument against Yuta if they were alone. He was as stubborn as that wayward ram, though much nicer in nature.

Even if he did break into Jaehyun’s house in the early morning just to climb into bed, drink coffee, and steal hot water.

By the time they made it back to the farmhouse, both men were soaked to the bone and so cold that they were shuddering.

Taeyong was stood in the doorway, a pile of towels in his arms, his big, concerned eyes peering over the top.

It made Jaehyun ache to see the way Johnny fell into him, more intent on leeching Taeyong’s warmth than drying himself with a towel. More concerned with touching him, anywhere, hand to neck, to cheek, to fingertip – like no matter where that contact was, it grounded him.

Taeyong passed a handful of the towels over Johnny’s shoulder to Jaehyun. “You know where Johnny’s shower room is, right? I left some of your spare clothes in there with some more towels so that you can get warm.”

Jaehyun grunted, bending down to pull his boots off. “Thanks. It’s times like this I’m glad Johnny makes me keep clothes here.”

Taeyong giggled. “I can imagine you’ll have to change clothes a lot when the weather is like this.” He looked down slightly and caught sight of Jaehyun’s finger. “Oh! What on earth happened?”

“A hammer,” Johnny said, kissing Taeyong’s neck. “It attacked him, but I fended it off. Give me attention, Yong, I was so brave.”

Taeyong smacked Johnny’s shoulder, fond but exasperated. “Get out of your wet clothes, idiot. I’ll make you both some hot drinks. Do you want a poultice for your finger, Jaehyun?”

“Just some hot salt water will do, thank you.”

Taeyong nodded, dragging them both inside. He was anything but forceful, but Jaehyun felt compelled to do as he said, just as Johnny did. There was something undeniably strong in Taeyong’s eyes, something unyielding despite its tenderness. It was easy to understand why he was so adored, even after the way he had left. It was easy to understand the immediate reintegration, because Taeyong seemed to belong wherever he went. He was the kind of person that could make anyone feel loved, even if it were just in the form of a towel at the door and clean clothes on the chair in the bathroom.

-

“I forgot to ask earlier,” Johnny murmured, sat opposite Jaehyun at the dining table. His eyes were fixed on Jaehyun’s finger in the glass of scalding water, watching the blood seep out from under the nail, mixing with the salt water to create inky patterns of red. “How was dinner with your parents?”

“Shit.”

Johnny snorted out a laugh. “Sorry.”

“It’s alright. I didn’t expect anything else.”

“Is that why you kept putting it off?”

“Partially. I also just hate the city. It makes me feel claustrophobic.”

“I thought I’d hate it too, but after spending some time there with Taeyong, I kind of like it. Not enough to live there, but I have to admit that it’s much more convenient. No twelve-mile drive to get a loaf of bread.”

Jaehyun hummed. “I don’t mind the inconvenience of living out here. It isn’t perfect, but I prefer it.”

“That’s your right, man. I’ll always be glad you’re here.”

Jaehyun felt himself smile. “Thanks. I’m glad I’m here too.”

“Winter is always tough, but this one should be better than normal. We have a lot of good people around us willing to help how they can.”

“We do,” Jaehyun agreed. “We’re very lucky.”

Johnny nodded, his gaze unusually probing. “We are,” he said. “But they’re lucky too, you know. We’re all good for one another.”

Jaehyun hummed. Silence settled over them like a blanket, and with nothing else to say, they watched Jaehyun’s blood cloud up the glass of hot water, murky red and opaque.

-

He knew he’d see Doyoung sooner or later, but he didn’t expect it to be sooner.

Doyoung seemed to have created the habit of being anywhere that Jaehyun wasn’t, which was why when Jaehyun let Chibi out for her morning sniff in the garden, he was surprised to see Doyoung leaning over the fence between Jaehyun and Kun’s gardens, coffee already in hand, wrapped in a thick coat.

He was tired, evident in the dark shadows beneath his eyes, the pallor of his skin. He was so beautiful that Jaehyun felt his eyes prickle, just for a moment.

“So you managed to save the finger,” Doyoung said by way of greeting. “Taeyong was worried that it might fall off during the night.”

Jaehyun laughed. He waved his sore finger, still bruised but no longer so swollen. “It’s here, safe and sound.”

“I’m glad. You’d be hideous without that finger.”

It startled another laugh from Jaehyun, as Doyoung’s dry sarcasm always seemed to manage. He felt the tips of his ears start to warm, but it was a little too dark outside for it to have been noticeable.

“My uncle actually lost his middle finger,” Doyoung continued. “It was due to a machinery accident at work, but he liked to pretend he’d lost it doing something valiant like saving his wife from a monster. She went along with it because it made him happy.”

“That’s sweet,” Jaehyun murmured. He walked closer to the fence, happy when Chibi trotted over to get her head scratched by Doyoung. “Have you missed Chibi?”

“Always,” Doyoung said, too serious to be serious. “She’s the only character in this town I like.”

“That’s not true at all. You like things here way more than you’d admit.”

Doyoung’s eyes rose to Jaehyun, challenging. “What makes you say that? It couldn’t be my behaviour.”

“Johnny. And Yuta, and Kun – everyone knows.” _Everyone except you_.

“Well thank God I have other people to tell me how I feel,” Doyoung said. He drained his mug. “The benefits of a small town, I suppose.”

“I think it’s just the benefits of having friends.”

“Oh? You managed to think? Tell me, how did it feel?”

Jaehyun laughed again, but he wished he had the strength to hold it back. “You’re such an asshole.”

“You say it like it’s a bad thing.”

“It _is_ a bad thing.”

Doyoung shrugged. “Okay. You’re entitled to your opinion, even if it is wrong.”

Jaehyun decided to change the topic rather than start a fight. “Why are you outside so early? The sun isn’t up yet, and it’s cold. You should be inside.”

“I checked the weather, and it looks like the snows going to get heavy today. If I have to spend my day stuck inside watching Ten and Kun be domestic then I need some fresh air first.”

There was a problem Jaehyun had that always seemed to be exacerbated by Doyoung’s presence. The problem of opening his mouth when he needed to keep it closed. “You could come over here for the day, if you’d like.”

Doyoung eyed him. “I’m not going to fuck you again, Jaehyun.”

That hurt, but Jaehyun swallowed it down. “That’s not what I offered.”

Doyoung considered him for a moment, gaze almost Machiavellian in its shrewdness. “Alright,” he said, finally. “If you’ll have me.”

“I will,” Jaehyun said. And then, because he wanted the last word, he turned away. “You’re welcome to come over within the next hour,” he said walking back to the house. “I’ll be around.”

Only once he was inside did he panic. It rose unbidden, climbing up from his throat, making him lightheaded for a dreadful moment.

Chibi nudged her cold nose against Jaehyun’s wrist, bringing him back into his body. He looked down at her big, kind eyes, and dropped a kiss to the crown of her head, thankful every day for her presence.

“What the fuck am I doing?” Jaehyun asked Chibi, kneeling down to scratch at her tummy. Her tail thumped the floor as it wagged, distracting him only slightly from the memory that was bubbling up despite his effort to repress it.

The sound of the party just outside the open window, the tightness of Doyoung’s hand in his hair, the teeth pressed hard against his shoulder, the ache of it, the spike of pain he masked with a moan, unwilling to admit to his own flawed anatomy, distracted by the silky texture of bare skin he never thought he’d see, moans he never thought he’d hear, pleasure he never thought he’d feel –

And then Doyoung asleep in the bed beside him, delicate hand resting on Jaehyun’s throat like an unspoken promise he decided to break that same night, leaving Jaehyun to wake up with the sunrise, sleepy and sated, only to turn cold when he realised that he was alone.


	2. Chapter 2

The first sight of Doyoung had brought nothing but confusion and a faint sensation of sickness. Jaehyun had looked out of his kitchen window to see yet another mysterious man in Kun’s garden, like he was intent on collecting as many as he could. Unlike Ten, hollowed and waifish upon arrival, Doyoung had simply looked tired. He’d stared at Chibi over the fence, a small crease between his brows as he lowered one hand to scratch at her ears.

Jaehyun had watched from the window for far longer than he’d ever admit, only moving when Chibi started to bark. There was something undeniably magnetic about Doyoung. It went past his appearance, his striking features and pretty body. There was clockwork behind his eyes, always ticking away. His stare felt deeper than it should, more probing, more direct. The moment Jaehyun stepped into the garden and saw Doyoung up close in his pyjamas, the summer sun already warming the air, he felt vulnerable.

“I’m not the newest rescue,” were Doyoung’s first words. “Just checking on Ten, since he’s forgotten how to look after himself.”

“Nice to meet you,” Jaehyun had replied, slightly taken aback, though he remembered at the last moment to offer his hand to shake. “I’m Jaehyun.”

“I know. I’m Doyoung.” His hand was slim and cold, but soft. Softer than Jaehyun’s skin had been in years.

He’d heard of Doyoung, but only in passing. More than he’d heard of Taeyong, but not in as much depth. At times, when Johnny was out in the fields digging new drainage ditches, eyes distant and sad, it was as though he’d never truly come to know Doyoung.

Whether the sickness of the hangover or the knowledge that so much had happened before Jaehyun’s arrival to town, it made Doyoung almost painful to look at. In the pink pyjamas he was trying to hide below the line of fence, he looked knowable in a way he wasn’t.

“I like your dog,” Doyoung said, bringing Jaehyun out of his own thoughts.

“Thank you. She’s called Chibi.”

“She’s beautiful. Big, but beautiful.”

“You prefer small dogs?”

“I don’t know,” Doyoung said, frowning. When Jaehyun looked back, it was one of the very few times Doyoung had shown him uncertainty. The other times could be counted on one hand, and all were about insignificant subjects, the size of a dog or the moral behind a novel. “I’ve never seen a dog this big before.”

“Big dogs aren’t popular in these areas,” Jaehyun said, stroking a hand down Chibi’s back. “There’s lots of strays. I picked Chibi up from a shelter when she was four months old and almost completely wild, but she settled down quickly. People are scared of the height and I get that, but most dogs just want to be loved. Big dogs deserve that too.”

“I should have known,” Doyoung said, flashing the first signs of a smile at the edge of his heart shaped lips, “Another hero. You and Kun must be remarkably close.”

And that was interesting, too. That Doyoung, born and raised in the community Jaehyun had fled to, acted like he was the outsider instead. Acted like he wanted to be on the outside looking in, glancing over Jaehyun’s fence like he didn’t know the town down to its barest bones.

“I’m close with Kun,” Jaehyun agreed, cautious. “But maybe closer with Johnny because of working with him.”

Only then had something other than clockwork flickered behind Doyoung’s eyes, bright and hurt but only for the briefest moment. “How is he?” he asked. “Johnny, that is. Business is busy; it’s been keeping me away.”

“He’s okay,” Jaehyun replied. “As he always is.”

“Married?”

“No.”

“Engaged?”

“Single. He’s not interested in romantic relationships.”

Doyoung nodded like the words proved something. “Still thinking of Taeyong?”

It went past the line of what Jaehyun felt comfortable sharing with a stranger, no matter how beautiful. Loyalty to Johnny kept Jaehyun’s mouth closed on anything to do with Lee Taeyong. “You’re asking the wrong person.”

“Maybe not. Maybe I’m asking exactly the right person.”

The way he stared felt like a threat. “I don’t think so.”

Doyoung smiled, sudden and pretty. “Alright. Has Ten fucked Kun yet?”

“Why would I know that?”

“You’re neighbours, and Ten is unbearably loud. You’d know by now if they’d had sex, which means they haven’t. That’s something to celebrate, I suppose.”

Doyoung’s train of thought was mind boggling in the worst sense. Jaehyun felt like he was being smacked repeatedly in the head with a rubber hammer. “I don’t understand.”

“That’s because you don’t know what Ten looks like at his worst.” Doyoung’s gaze moved back to Kun’s house, towards the kitchen window that overlooked the gardens. “They’re watching us now. Conspiring, probably. Ten always thinks he’s subtle, using the guise of teasing me to edge closer to Kun, whisper something in his ear.”

It was disconcerting to hear someone else’s seduction picked apart so thoroughly, the clockwork behind Doyoung’s eyes still ticking away. “You’re odd,” Jaehyun said without thinking. “Really odd.”

“And you’re going to vomit soon,” Doyoung said, amusement colouring his voice. “I can see it in your pallor. Were you around to see Ten’s leg gave up? Were you too drunk to notice, or did you just pretend not to see it happen so that he could retain the last shreds of his dignity? You seem like that kind of man, soft-spoken and honourable, too polite for his own good. So like Kun, so like Johnny.”

And beyond the layers of nauseous fog, it hit somewhere deep in Jaehyun, flint striking against flint, creating a spark of anger. “It’s cute that you think you know everything, but I wouldn’t say you’re accurate.” He forced a smile. “Maybe if you stick around you’ll understand that things aren’t the way they were when you left. Life here didn’t pause because you were gone, Doyoung, and no matter how much you want it to, things never stay the same.”

-

It hadn’t been the best introduction, but Jaehyun had a masochistic streak, and he couldn’t deny finding Doyoung’s scathing attitude attractive. He couldn’t hide it, either, despite whishing he could have. If he’d had the ability to hide his feelings from his well-meaning friends, things could have stayed as they were, perfectly fine. Doyoung could have stayed a polite but pointed acquaintance, instead of turning into what he now was: the beautiful man always at the edge of Jaehyun’s periphery, always on the edge breaking his heart.

-

Doyoung let himself into Jaehyun’s house almost an hour after being left in the garden.

Calm again, Jaehyun watched Doyoung shake the snow from his wet hair, offering no help with his coat for the sole reason of pettiness.

“It’s really snowing now,” Doyoung said, wrestling off his numerous jackets.

“Is that why you’re dressed for a hike instead of walking to the house next door?”

Doyoung glared, one hand still stuck in the sleeve of his coat. “My hair is still wet from my shower, and I’m not prepared to get a fever for the sake of looking fashionable in a blizzard.”

Jaehyun looked out of the window beside the door, dubious. Snow was falling, sure, but there was no wind. No blanket of white. “You think that’s a blizzard?”

“I think it’s enough to warrant a fucking jacket, Jaehyun.”

He pressed his lips together and tried not to laugh at the spectacle of Doyoung struggling with that one sleeve. “Okay, whatever you say. Do you want a drink?”

“Black coffee please, before I decide to just bury myself in the snow and get it over with.”

“You’d have trouble burying yourself in snow that hasn’t settled past an inch yet.”

Doyoung’s glare could have cut through metal. “It’s like you’re begging me to drive my car through your pretty front garden.”

“You’d need both hands free for that,” Jaehyun said, looking down to where Doyoung’s right hand was _still_ stuck in folds of fabric. “Do you need scissors or something? I don’t think jackets are classed as something that should fight back.”

“If you don’t stop speaking I’ll be forced to do something violent.”

“No!” Jaehyun laughed, wandering through to the kitchen. “Don’t flick your sleeve at me, I’m not strong enough!” Even as the kettle boiled and he arranged his chosen mugs just so, he kept smiling. Doyoung had that kind of effect. Like a wet kitten, the more he hissed, the cuter he seemed, and the more willing Jaehyun became to ignore the sharp claws.

They hadn’t had the best introduction, but Doyoung seemed to have counted on that. How better to keep people away? Nothing had a higher success rate than being an asshole, and he’d perfected the masquerade. If Jaehyun hadn’t known Johnny, Yuta, and Kun, he may have even believed it for a while.

After a couple of minutes, the jacket finally bested in battle, Doyoung made it through to the kitchen. He surprised a bark of laughter from Jaehyun, wearing a hideous sweater previously hidden by the numerous layers.

“Don’t laugh, my brother made it for me,” Doyoung said. He looked down at the garment with resignation in his eyes. “He has a lot of talents, but knitting definitely isn’t one of them.”

“Sorry,” Jaehyun said, trying to batten down the need to giggle. “It’s cute, it’s cute. Just – unexpected.”

Doyoung spread his arms. “You don’t think I’m an orange kind of guy?”

“I mean I’d never thought about it before, but how could I deny it now? Orange is definitely your colour.”

Doyoung put his arms back down, pacified. “Oh. Good.”

The kettle clicked off, saving Jaehyun from further pretending. The sweater was awful, the colour garish and the knitting uneven. The only reason it didn’t look bad was because it was Doyoung wearing it, just like his pink pyjamas and black dress shoes on the day they’d met, almost half a year ago. Everything Doyoung wore looked like high fashion, but that was more to do with the way he held himself than the clothes.

Back to his guest, Jaehyun prepared their drinks in comfortable quiet. Despite mocking Doyoung for calling the snow a blizzard, it was starting to get heavy. It wouldn't be long until Jaehyun would need to start heading out and clearing roads with Johnny and Yukhei, ensuring the rural houses had safe access into town.

When Jaehyun turned back, Doyoung was startlingly close, eyes dark. “Did you tell them?”

Jaehyun swallowed, heart jumping, mouth dry. “Did I tell who what?”

“Did you tell anyone that we slept together?”

Jaehyun held back his wince and passed over Doyoung’s coffee, putting space between them as he trailed through to the living room to join Chibi on the couch. “No,” he said, loud enough to still be heard. “I knew you wouldn’t want that.”

Doyoung followed, placing his coffee onto the table and taking a seat on the floor, near to the open fire Jaehyun had stoked just before his arrival. “You could have told them,” he said eventually. “They’re your friends.”

Jaehyun laughed. Doyoung’s arrival to town that summer had been many things to many people, but alongside all of the nicer aspects it had been a stark, unwelcome reminder that no matter how long Jaehyun had lived in the cottage beside Kun, there were still years to account for before Jaehyun had left the city. The friendship between Yuta and Johnny and Kun had a depth to it that Jaehyun couldn’t begin to know, a history of people loved and lost, people that Jaehyun might never know about. Doyoung and Taeyong included, there were things Jaehyun knew he had no right to intrude on. “They were your friends first.”

“That’s true,” Doyoung said, gaze even. “They were my friends first, but you’re the one that lives here. You’re the one that sees Johnny every day, that buys milk for Kun when he forgets to go shopping. You have a right to tell them whatever you like, whether it’s about what happened or something else entirely. I won’t stop you. I wouldn’t even if I could.”

It was times like this that made Jaehyun wonder why Doyoung put so much effort into appearing to be cold, when inside he was anything but. “I didn’t tell anyone, so you don’t have to worry about them asking you anything.”

“It’s not because of you that I’m worried,” Doyoung said, finally looking away. He looked at the fire, and the hot orange of the flames in the reflection in his eyes matched his ugly sweater. “Don’t take this the wrong way, Jaehyun, but most of my many issues have nothing to do with you.”

It wasn’t surprising to hear. From that first meeting, Doyoung had done his utmost to hide his true self. There were only two times that Jaehyun had seen him open, and they were both in the same hot autumn afternoon. Unsure what to say, Jaehyun settled on the bratty option. “I know. I’m not going to take credit for that mess.”

Doyoung laughed, just as Jaehyun had hoped he would. “I’m glad we can agree on something.”

“You’re the one always trying to start arguments.”

“You’re the one that always rises to the bate.”

Jaehyun acquiesced. “True.”

Doyoung’s smile settled into something more peaceful. “I have to admit, this is much nicer than watching Ten stare at Kun like he put the stars in the sky. I can only deal with so much of that before I start retching.”

Jaehyun nodded. As much as he wanted to defend them, they had become _that_ couple. The hideously domestic couple that held hands everywhere, shared all of their food, kissed every time they paused to do something. It was lovely, but Jaehyun wouldn’t want to stay in the same house as them for a week, not without the buffer of a fourth person.

Then, a thought occurred. “Why didn’t you stay with Yuta?”

“We’d be in the ICU before the first evening. I adore Yuta, but our friendship is too volatile for that kind of arrangement.”

Jaehyun couldn’t help but laugh. “I don’t know what Yuta was like as a teenager, but it sounds like he’s changed a lot since then. He’s very soft-hearted.”

“He always has been,” Doyoung said, kneeling to reach over for his coffee. “But we bicker.”

Jaehyun raised an eyebrow. “I mean, _we_ bicker, but you’re here.”

“Not like I bicker with Yuta. It really would turn into something violent if we didn’t have someone like Johnny to tell us to shut up.”

“Do you fuck Yuta when you’re mad, too?”

Doyoung’s eyes shot up, and Jaehyun’s stomach dropped as soon as he realised what he’d said.

“I – I mean, I didn’t mean-“

“Oh, you meant it,” Doyoung said. His eyes narrowed. “The answer is no, Jaehyun, if you’re really so invested in my sad love life that you need to know the details. You’re the only person I’ve had sex with of recent, and even before that it was never with Yuta.”

“Cool,” Jaehyun said, meek. “Sorry for asking.”

Doyoung nodded. He sipped his coffee, sweater slipping off of one shoulder. If he weren’t staring at Jaehyun like he was waiting for an excuse to leave, Jaehyun’s eyes would have been on that beautiful clavicle, Doyoung’s silky skin, so easily bruised. As things were, he fought hard to keep his eyes above Doyoung’s neck.

“You’re so transparent,” Doyoung said into the awkward silence, tone exasperated. “It’s not even noon and you’re already horny?”

Jaehyun’s ears began to prickle with heat. “No!” he said, weaker than he wanted. “Of course not, what the hell?”

“You want to fuck _me_ now, is that it?” Doyoung put his coffee back onto the table and sat back, unimpressed. “At least be honest with me.”

Jaehyun was reeling. “I – I don’t-“

His words cut off when Doyoung pulled the edge of his sweater further down, exposing more of his shoulder, lower, the smooth plains of his chest, his delicate fingers splayed against the skin, so beautiful that Jaehyun’s breath caught in his throat as it always seemed to around Doyoung.

“Transparent,” Doyoung repeated. He cocked his head, eyes dark. “Transparent but trying to deny it. Why bother? If I didn’t want it too, I’d tell you.”

Jaehyun wasn’t strong enough for this. He was weak, entirely too weak, and Doyoung was entirely too persuasive. He was striking and arrogant and strong willed, but he was soft and funny and gentle. He was everything Jaehyun wouldn’t admit that he wanted, and only one thought kept him from succumbing – the memory of Doyoung’s dark eyes seizing him up in the garden.

_I’m not going to fuck you again, Jaehyun._

_That’s not what I offered._

Being used as an outlet for Doyoung’s supressed emotions and waking up alone had hurt enough the first time, and in the middle of winter, when Jaehyun already felt so isolated – he didn’t know if he could survive it again.

“No,” he said. “We’re not having sex, Doyoung.”

Doyoung sat back, eyes veiled. “You’re sure?”

“I’m sure.”

After a moment, his shoulders untensed. “Okay.” And just like that, the fire in his eyes had been doused. “Do you have any board games?”

“I have Scrabble,” Jaehyun said, mystified. “Why?”

Doyoung shrugged. “Wanna play?”

It was like being hit with a truck, catching your breath after the impact, only for the truck to shift into reverse and back up over your body.

Doyoung was driving the truck, and after knocking Jaehyun down, he parallel parked on top of his corpse.

“Sure,” Jaehyun said, faint. “Scrabble sounds nice.”

It proved to be anything other than nice. They spent half an hour arguing about Scrabble rules, and then another ten minutes arguing over whether plurals counted. The game itself proved to be more heated than Scrabble had any right to be, and by the time Jaehyun finally admitted defeat, it was well past the time for lunch.

They ate sandwiches in silence, barring the faint mockery from Doyoung over Jaehyun’s enjoyment of boiled eggs, and without agreeing upon it, immediately set up a new game that Jaehyun won an hour later.

Sex might have been a healthier outlet for frustration, but to his surprise, Jaehyun enjoyed the day of competitive Scrabble too. Doyoung was animated, ambitious, and horrifically rigid about board game rules.

It was fun.

It was bad news.

When the sky started to darken, Doyoung returned to Kun’s home. The snow was a couple of inches thick and still falling, coating the street in a magic yet untouched by the tire tracks of cars. The only imperfection of the snow were the footprints Doyoung left, leading away from Jaehyun’s door.

“Thank you,” he’d said, coats gathered in his arms. “I had a pleasant day.”

“You’re welcome,” Jaehyun had replied. “You’re welcome to come over any time.”

And he’d watched Doyoung leave, every fibre of his soul telling him to fist his hand in the back of Doyoung’s orange sweater and pull him back into the house.

But he didn’t.

Doyoung made it safely back to Kun’s, and when Chibi made it very clear she wasn’t impressed by the snow, Jaehyun closed the door.

He almost wished they’d had sex. Sex would have been something reasonable to linger on, something Jaehyun could justify thinking about as he made his dinner and readied Chibi for an unwilling walk in the cold. Sex might have left him feeling used and discarded, but at least that would have been a reason for the grief that seemed to linger in the back of his throat as he slipped on his boots and locked up the house, dragging Chibi out of the warmth even as she whined.

They’d drank coffee and played Scrabble.

There was no reason for Jaehyun to wade through the snow and miss Doyoung so much that it throbbed in his chest.

But then – he’d felt that hurt before they played Scrabble. He’d felt it the moment they met, that imperfect introduction over the fence. He knew the moment he first saw Doyoung that there was something lingering between them, even if he refused to acknowledge it. He knew Doyoung could sense it too, even if he refused to acknowledge it.

They came from different places and lived different lives, but they both felt like outsiders when surrounded by the people they loved. They both felt like frauds.

They both felt the same ache, even if they refused to acknowledge it.

-

There was a time when Jaehyun would have looked at Doyoung with nothing but scorn. A pretty man from a small town, trying desperately to work his way up the ladder to success? It was everything Jaehyun’s parents wanted their son to be. It was everything Jaehyun had run from, everything he was still running from. He knew himself well enough to admit that if his parents invaded this life of his, he’d run somewhere else. Ambition was one thing, but self-preservation was another, and there was only so long Jaehyun could bear the weight of other people’s expectations of him, expectations he knew he'd never meet.

Alone in bed as he watched the snow fall through the orange glow of the streetlamp outside, Jaehyun wished he could look at Doyoung with scorn, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t muster up hatred or even annoyance when he understood so deeply why Doyoung masked himself in a veneer of ice. It had taken finding a home for Jaehyun’s own ice to thaw, but Doyoung seemed determined to keep running from the warmth of the people that loved him, that he loved in return.

And even if he denied it with vehemence, there was no uncertainty that Doyoung did love. He loved with vulnerability that made him aggressive in his attempts to hide it, feared with an intensity that made it clear he’d earnt his distrust.

Jaehyun couldn’t look at Doyoung with scorn. If he hadn’t torn himself away from his family, he would have been the same, constantly reaching for something he wasn’t even sure he wanted.

-

Johnny picked Jaehyun and Kun up early in the morning, dropping them off at the doctor’s surgery to clear a path to the door and salt the ground to prevent the snow from hardening to ice.

“Doyoung is with Ten and Taeyong,” Kun said, unprompted. His shovel had painted vines up the wooden handle, courtesy of Ten, the only green in the white scene. “They’re bulk cooking stew to deliver portions for the elderly that might need hot food over the next couple of days.”

Jaehyun dug his unpainted shovel into the snow and heaved it up onto growing pile that bracketed the path. “That’s kind.”

“He’d deny it if we mentioned it around him, but it was Doyoung’s idea. He said that clearing driveways was useful, but there would be times that people might not have the strength to go out in the cold, whether the snow was blocking them in or not. Better to have some meals in their homes so that they can reheat and eat if they need them.”

Jaehyun wasn’t sure what Kun wanted him to say. “It’s a good idea.”

“Doyoung has those, on occasion.”

Jaehyun looked up and sighed at what he saw. Kun’s expression was one of feigned disinterest, the same expression Yuta and Johnny wore whenever the topic of Doyoung came up in conversation. Only Ten was honest about his meddling, and while it often caught Jaehyun off guard, it was still easier to deal with than this attempted subtlety. “Your point, Kun?”

Kun kept shovelling, eyes big and innocent beneath the brim of his knitted hat. “No point at all! I’m just making conversation.”

“Make a different one,” Jaehyun said, dry.

Kun just smiled, shaking his head slightly as he worked. “You’re as bad as each other, you know that?”

“I didn’t ask.”

“I’m telling you anyway. He got back last night and wouldn’t stop bragging about winning at Scrabble, and when Ten laughed at his sweater he got all red and said that _Jaehyun had told him orange was definitely his colour!”_

“The sweater was ugly, but the colour looked nice,” Jaehyun said, feeling is ears begin to heat up. “Anyway, why are you acting like you’re any better? Ten dropped so many hints before you realised he loved you back.”

Kun straightened, his smile triumphant. “So you admit it? You’re dropping hints?”

“No!”

“Be honest Jaehyun; lying looks bad on you.”

“I’m not dropping hints! But even if I did he wouldn’t pick up on them because he’s deliberately stubborn and only sees what he wants to see! That’s his choice, Kun! Not mine!”

It was loud, much louder than he’d intended, and by the time he’d closed his mouth, the warmth from his ears had spread to his cheeks and his neck.

Kun stared at him, eyes wide, too close to concern for comfort. “Did something happen?”

“No. Nothing happened.”

“I’m not asking as an amateur matchmaker, I’m asking as your friend. Are you okay? Did I push too far?”

Jaehyun huffed out a sigh, the tension leaving his body with the expulsion of air. “You didn’t push too far, it’s fine,” he said, staring up at the white sky. It used to scare him as a kid, the blanket of no colour that came before another fall of heavy snow. It felt like the snow was just sitting there in the clouds, ready to fall in one sheet. Jaehyun wouldn’t go outside until the individual snowflakes began to fall, too scared of being crushed under the weight if it all fell at once. “I’m sorry for being rude.”

“You weren’t rude,” Kun said, faint. “I just thought… I don’t know. The way you dance around one another makes us all think that you both need a little push. It isn’t our place, and logically I know that, but we just want you both to be happy.”

“I know,” Jaehyun said. “And I appreciate that, I really do. I appreciate how much you care about me, and your interest in my relationships but – Doyoung doesn’t seem like someone that enjoys being pushed. I don’t want him to resent you for it, and I don’t want him to resent _me_ , either. If he doesn’t want to go further than this stupid dance, then I won’t force him.”

There was quiet for a moment, the only noise the shovels scraping on the ground as they continued to shift snow. It seemed a little useless considering how much more snow was due over the coming weeks, but it would help in the long term.

“He told me last night,” Kun said out of nowhere. “That you slept together after Ten’s surprise party. I came downstairs during the night because I had a stomach-ache and didn’t want to wake Ten with my wriggling, but Doyoung was already on the couch, staring outside at the snow falling. He said he’d fucked you and left because he was scared to see how you’d look at him once you woke up.”

Jaehyun hummed, acting like his heart wasn’t in a chokehold. “Did he say anything else?”

“He said you refused the offer to sleep with him again. I called him selfish, and he laughed and agreed with me. It was only when I said he isn’t as bad as he thinks he is that he objected.” Kun stopped shovelling. He was frowning gently, as he did when he’d forgotten his glasses and couldn’t quite read the label on whatever he was buying. “Doyoung has always been too big for this town. Too smart, too ambitious, too kind. I wasn’t surprised when he left, but seeing him back here isn’t something I ever truly expected. Seeing him cook stew for the elderly that once contributed to his isolation – it makes me hurt. There’s so much good inside of him, so much devotion and care and beauty, but he refuses to acknowledge it. He refuses to let us tell him. It’s like he’s hardened, like he’s encased himself in stone.”

“Ice,” Jaehyun said. “Hard and cold on the outside, but by no means opaque. He called me transparent yesterday, as if I were the only one trying to hide what everyone else can clearly see.”

Kun smiled, faint. “That sounds like Doyoung. He’d been known to point out faults as a deflection from his own vulnerabilities, and it’s gotten him into lots of trouble. He’s lucky you’re so forgiving.”

_If only you’d show us the same kindness as you show to others, I believe we’d be quite the happy family._

Jaehyun ignored the twinge in his shoulder and got back to shovelling. “He should be careful. I’m getting tired of people pointing out my faults for the sake of their own self preservation.”

-

Growing up surrounded by ambitious people was daunting for a kid that just wanted to be happy. Why was it so difficult to want something? Why did it feel like such a gargantuan task to keep up with everyone else’s fast speed? What was so wrong with wanting to pause for a while, to stare out at the ocean and breathe in the salt air?

It took an odd mixture of Johnny and Yuta for Jaehyun to realise that pausing and enjoying the moments of peaceful nothing weren’t indicative of him failing as a human.

“I run a day-care,” Yuta had said the first time they’d argued. “Johnny lives on the farm his grandparents built, and neither of us intend on changing the way we live just to suit the people that think we need something else. If you’re happy here, then that’s all that matters. Fuck everyone else, Jae, and stop wondering what life would be like if you’d stayed true to what your parents wanted for you. You’d be rich and miserable, just like Doyoung, but probably not as self-aware. You wouldn’t be _here._ You wouldn’t have us, and we wouldn’t have you.”

Yuta was blunt like that. Honest and direct and unfalteringly kind, smart enough to cut right to the heart of the issue when Jaehyun had started an argument almost entirely based around a missed movie night.

And he’d been right.

When Jaehyun had taken an emergency trip to the doctors to get another injection for his shoulder, forgetting to tell his friends and missing their evening together, he’d almost run away afterwards. Sick with foolish fear, he’d stayed home for days, recovering from the pain in a sluggish darkness that made him question his own significance to the people he cared about.

Until Yuta barged in and opened the curtains, that is. Until he climbed into bed with Jaehyun and held him like a kid, grip firm, voice soft.

Before the friends that make you feel whole, you go your life without realising that something is missing. You go years wondering if love is real, if it’s just something romanticised by novels and movies and poetry, or if maybe you’re just made differently, like you weren’t designed for that closeness.

Yuta was the one that made Jaehyun realise that love wasn’t always romantic. Romantic love wasn’t always everything. Yuta was the first person to make Jaehyun feel loved for being nothing more than himself, aimless and injured or otherwise. Johnny followed, with Kun and Yukhei and Jungwoo, later Ten and Taeyong too.

It was what made Doyoung so confusing. He acted like Yuta in certain ways, that innate care for Jaehyun’s wellbeing, that almost obsessive concern.

Jaehyun knew that Doyoung changed their position when he realised Jaehyun was favouring his left side during sex, unable to put weight on his right side but unwilling to mention it.

Jaehyun knew it was Doyoung that left a portion of stew on his doorstep, chilling in the falling snow, ready to be reheated when he needed it.

The boiled egg sat in the middle of the stew looked out of place, but Jaehyun couldn’t help but regard it with the reverence he was too scared to give to Doyoung. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please check the new tags for this chapter!!! xo

Jaehyun gave it a couple of days.

Half of the skill in communicating was knowing when to push and when to wait, and Jaehyun knew that even if he wanted to be, he wasn’t Doyoung’s priority while he was in town. There were old friends to see and new memories to make, and Jaehyun had little to do with that, no matter how much he’d savoured the portion of stew left on his doorstep.

So he gave it a couple of days.

He joined Kun in clearing a path to the community centre, then he returned to the farm to move the sheep into the larger, more insulated barn.

It was only on the third day of Doyoungless winter weather that Jaehyun was rudely awakened to his own pining.

“You’re really lucky Minghao was too busy to help me today,” Mingyu said, frowning at the mess Jaehyun was making of loading his trailer. “He’d tell you just how pathetic you look right now.”

Jaehyun paused, log still in his arms. “You just told me yourself.”

“Yeah, but not as mean as he would have.”

He had to concede to that. Mingyu was right; Minghao had a beautiful talent of making even the kindest words sound like an insult. Jaehyun loaded the log into the trailer and shook his arms, hands sore from the bark, muscles aching from the weight. “Where is he? Minghao, that is.”

“He’s helping Seulgi with something, but I can’t remember the details. It’s to do with the studio.” Mingyu’s frown deepened into tangible displeasure when Jaehyun picked up the next log. “I really appreciate you helping me load the trailer, but can you start lifting with your knees? I don’t want to have to drive you to the nearest hospital when your back gives out.”

Jaehyun looked over, exasperated. Mingyu was holding two logs, one in each arm like they were the weight of kittens instead of literal tree trunks. His knees were bent ever so slightly, the majority of his strength braced in his thighs. If his expression weren’t so puppyish and concerned, Jaehyun would throw his log to Mingyu just to watch him try and juggle a third. “You’re so annoying.”

“Brace your legs, just a little,” Mingyu begged. “If you go back to Johnny injured he’ll never forgive me.”

Jaehyun threw his log onto the trailer and performed a single squat. “Happy?”

“Not in the slightest,” Mingyu said, still frowning. He threw his two logs onto the trailer and picked up another from the pile. “If this wood didn’t have to be moved by tonight, I’d take you to see a therapist myself.”

“You just want an excuse to visit your husband while he’s working.”

“It’s not that!”

Jaehyun laughed. Despite his height and his muscle mass, Mingyu was akin with Johnny in that the bigger he seemed to get, the kinder. “How is he?” he asked, deciding to show mercy.

“Wonwoo?” Mingyu’s expression turned dopey, the type of happiness that was so consuming that the rest of the world ceased to exist. “He’s fantastic, as always.”

“I’m glad.”

“When he said he was going to grow out his hair, I wasn’t convinced. I’m weirdly fond of his forehead, you know? It’s the best place to kiss when we’re cooking together. But now that his bangs reach the frames of his glasses, the hair is starting to curl. I’ve never seen his hair curly. It feels like I’m married to a stranger I’m already in love with.”

“Disgusting,” Jaehyun said, hauling another log into the trailer. “He’d divorce you if he knew you were so mushy.”

“I know,” Mingyu said, expression still soft. “But that’s why I save it all up for you.”

It was sobering, in a way. Wonwoo and Doyoung shared many similarities, from the sharpness of their expressions to the gentleness of their hearts. Wonwoo was definitely the shier of the two, but Jaehyun knew from experience that Doyoung could be just as hesitant on occasion. Would Doyoung’s hair curl over the frame of his glasses if he let it? Would he cook with his husband, allow his forehead to be kissed as they passed by the stove? Would he settle happily into a life he never thought he’d live, for the sake of his own wellbeing and that of the man he loved?

“How are things with your grumpy accountant friend?”

Jaehyun blinked himself back into his body. “Sorry, what?”

Mingyu threw another log. “I asked how things are with your accountant friend. I’d bet money on him being the reason you're acting so distant.”

“And why is that?”

The look Mingyu sent his way was knowing. “The early stages of my relationship with Wonwoo were far from smooth sailing. The things that could bring us the most joy are never easy.”

Jaehyun whistled, picking up another log. “I didn’t realise Socrates owned a farm.”

Mingyu laughed, loud and contagious. “Shut up, Jae. I just want to know why you look so sad.”

Jaehyun shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m giving him space despite the fact that I know he wants more than he’ll say. I’m giving my friends space because they’re too invested in my happiness. I’m giving _myself_ space because I feel like I’m going crazy.”

There was quiet for a moment as Mingyu considered his reply. In the brief interlude of pleasant weather, the sky was a pale blue, reflecting faintly on the snowy fields. It wasn’t often that Jaehyun was needed to help Mingyu on his family farm, as Wonwoo helped out whenever he was off work, but the difference was nice. Instead of fields of animals, the fields of cut crops were covered by untouched snow. Acres of nothing, so vast it made you feel like nothing. It felt almost humbling to stare out at the land and realise how small you were.

Finally, Mingyu found his voice. “You’ve met Soonyoung, right?”

“Seokmin’s friend?”

“Yeah, him. He’s known Wonwoo since they were in diapers, and they’ve been best friends for literally as long as they can remember. I’ve always liked Soonyoung a lot – he’s energetic and sweet in the same way Seokmin is, which is probably why they’re so close. About half a year into dating Wonwoo, Soonyoung turned up at my house, drunk off his ass, crying so hard I couldn’t figure out what he was trying to say to me. He ended up passing out on my couch, and it wasn’t until the next morning when he was nursing a hangover that he admitted he’d only started drinking because he was nervous about speaking to me without Wonwoo there, and he’d taken the wine too far. His intentions were really pure when I figured out what he’d been trying to do, which was to let me know that I was welcome. Soonyoung was the link between Wonwoo and the rest of his family and friends, and he knew that I was worried about meeting everyone else, so he wanted to talk to me about it. Turns out he was just as scared as me, which is why he had the wine and ended up sobbing all over my kitchen table.”

It was an endearing image, if a somewhat amusing one. “Cute,” Jaehyun murmured, “But what does this have to do with what we’re talking about?”

“He didn’t have to do that for me,” Mingyu said. “I barely knew him, but he went out of his way to make things a little easier for my integration into Wonwoo’s life. And still – if I hadn’t set him down the next morning and asked him to explain what was going on, I never would have known just how kind he was being. There are some things that might seem weird or superficial, but the intent behind them is good.”

“What exactly are you referring to?”

Mingyu threw another log, the thud of the impact dry and muted. “You don’t know what someone is thinking unless you ask them. Maybe he’s just trying to give you space, too.”

-

It was a nice thought, but one that Jaehyun was too stubborn to investigate. Instead of doing anything productive, he opened a beer, ate dinner alone, and then spent the evening splayed across his couch, slowly being crushed to death by Chibi’s horse sized body, her head on his shoulder as she snored.

Jaehyun cycled through films on the TV, most of which were Hallmark Christmas movies that felt more like torture than entertainment, but that were better than silence.

After the day of blue skies the snow was returning, heavier than ever. It seemed to glow under the light from the streetlamps, so inviting until you stepped outside and felt the cold.

Jaehyun was staring at the snow fall, listening to the agony of a staged romance and the snores of his dog, slowly lulled into a shallow sleep that made it difficult to realise that the repetitive ringing was from his phone and not the deep empty space of his subconscious.

When he realised someone was calling, Jaehyun forced himself into a sitting position, disorientated enough to answer without looking at the caller ID. “Hello?”

“Hey.”

It was Doyoung, voice entirely too neutral. Jaehyun sat up further, trying to wake himself from his sleepy daze. “Doyoung? Is everything okay?”

There was a pause. If it were anyone else, Jaehyun might have called it hesitation. “Yes, everything is fine. Were you asleep? It’s late. I’m sorry if I woke you.”

“You didn’t wake me,” Jaehyun said. “I’m watching Hallmark movies with Chibi.”

“That sounds lovely.”

Jaehyun would have had an easier time trying to read a cuneiform tablet than Doyoung’s silences. “Yeah,” he said. “Doyoung, what’s wrong?”

“I had a nightmare,” he said after another long moment. “I just wanted to hear someone talk.”

Jaehyun rubbed his eyes and checked the time on the TV. It was past midnight, but he was awake enough for a conversation, and with the weather closing in, he didn’t have an early start on the farm. Johnny and Taeyong would be feeding the animals and keeping them warm in the barn. “Okay,” Jaehyun said, collecting himself. “Are Kun and Ten already in bed?”

“Yeah,” Doyoung replied. “They’re probably spooning, and I don’t want to disturb that, both for their sake and my own.”

Jaehyun laughed, low. “I get it,” he said. “Do you want to stay on the phone? I can describe these awful films in hideous detail until we both feel sick.”

Doyoung hummed. It wasn’t a laugh, but it was warmer than his voice had been since the phone first rang. “I’m sorry,” he said, unexpected. “I don’t want to bother you. I should go back to bed.”

But it didn’t sit right in Jaehyun’s heart. Doyoung alone in Kun’s spare bedroom, not even in his own home. Staring out at a town he hated. “Don’t,” he said. “Come over.”

“Are you serious? It’s the middle of the night, I’m not going to disturb you further by-“

“Come over, Doyoung.”

The noise Doyoung made was frustrated, almost helpless. “Maybe tomorrow.”

“It’s already tomorrow if we’re being technical,” Jaehyun said. “Come over. We can watch stupid movies together, and you can sleep in my spare room when you get tired again. If you don’t want to be alone right now, you don’t have to be alone.”

It was a gamble, but everything with Doyoung felt like a risk. The biggest thing could lead to nothing, the smallest thing could lead to everything.

And then, for once, Doyoung relented. “Okay.”

Jaehyun sat up straight, surprised. “Okay?”

“Yes. I’ll find a jacket and come over now. Do you want me to bring anything?”

“No, just bring yourself. I’ll see you in a minute.”

“Okay.”

“Okay,” Jaehyun repeated. He hung up, then spent thirty seconds staring at nothing before vaulting off the couch and running to the bathroom. He checked his teeth, his skin, smoothed his hair, rubbed camomile hand cream into his rough calluses, gurgled mouthwash and straightened his wrinkled clothes just as the front door creaked open.

Chibi made a lazy attempt at a bark, but otherwise didn’t bother moving from the couch. When Jaehyun emerged from the bathroom, she was sprawled in exactly the same position he had left her in. Doyoung was stood by the door in his huge coat, his eyelashes dusted with snowflakes. His pyjamas were pink, his feet tucked into a borrowed pair of Kun’s snow boots.

“Hi,” he said, quiet. “Are you sure you don’t mind me being here?”

“I wouldn’t have invited you if I didn’t want you here,” Jaehyun said. “Do you want a hot drink? I have herbal teas.”

“No coffee?”

“You shouldn’t have caffeine this late.”

The smile that graced Doyoung’s face was small but genuine. “Herbal tea is fine then. Thank you.”

Jaehyun nodded. “Do you need help with your coat again?”

The smile fell into an immediate scowl. “Fuck you, no I don’t. Go make me some tea.”

Jaehyun laughed, giddy. He boiled the kettle and poured two mugs of herbal tea, and by the time he emerged from the kitchen Doyoung was already on the couch, a majority of Chibi in his lap, preening under the attention she was receiving.

Jaehyun passed over one of the mugs and then joined Doyoung on the couch. Since he’d last checked, a new film had begun, just as bright and ugly as the others. “What are we watching?”

“I don’t know, I missed the title sequence,” Doyoung said, sipping from his mug as he stroked Chibi’s ear with one hand. “From what I’ve gathered so far, this mediocre guy works at a postal office and his niece wants him to get a girlfriend, so she wrote a letter to Santa. We’ll just have to find out if Santa ends up being the girlfriend, but I’m not holding out hope.”

Jaehyun laughed again. Part of him wanted to play it cool, to stay friendly but calm and offer Doyoung the perfect level kindness, but he wasn’t strong enough. While that small part argued for his dignity, the rest was already lightheaded, giggling at Doyoung’s jokes and staring at his beautiful profile in the low light. Jaehyun’s dignity didn’t stand a chance when Doyoung was smiling.

It was about twenty minutes later when Doyoung spoke again. Unwilling, they’d both been drawn into the plot of the film, no matter how awful it was.

“I love your home,” Doyoung murmured, eyes on the TV screen. “It feels so welcoming.”

“Maybe because you’re welcome here.”

“That’s nice of you to say.”

“I mean it.” Jaehyun looked at Doyoung, at his tired, unguarded warmth. It was rare to see him so close to vulnerable. It felt precious and wrong at the same time, almost voyeuristic. “Doyoung, you’re always welcome here.”

Doyoung smiled, faint. “Thank you. I’d say the same to you, but my apartment is a long drive for a ridiculously small space, and I doubt you’d want to go back to the city anyway.”

“I go back from time to time,” Jaehyun said, slightly defensive.

Doyoung’s smile grew. “And you hate every second of it. There’s nothing wrong with that, Jaehyun. You have every right to dislike a place you were unhappy, as do I.”

It was heart-breaking. “Do you really hate it here?”

“Parts. I love my friends, and I love the family still in the area. I hate other people, other aspects.” Doyoung looked to the window, the snow falling slow and heavy. “Have you ever played on a frozen lake?”

Jaehyun took a minute to think. “I don’t have any memory of it. Accessible lakes are… you know. Not so prevalent in cities.”

Doyoung nodded. “As a kid in a small town, playing on a frozen lake is kind of a given. We’d try and skate on ice way too thin to hold our weight, and we’d always end up in the water beneath. It was a game, in a way. Who would get wet first, how long until Yuta would have to build a fire on the banks of the water, how dry could we get before we went home? Taeyong would always shove towels into his bag just in case someone struggled to get dry in front of the fire. Yuta would always bring a lighter, I would always bring tissues. We’d sneak home and hope our parents didn’t notice how damp our clothes were.”

It didn’t sound like Jaehyun’s idea of fun, but anything could be fun if you were with the right people. “I bet Johnny was the first in the water.”

“Most of the time, but we all ended up in it at some point or another. After the first couple of times, you learn not to fear the cold.”

Jaehyun winced. “I don’t think I’d learn. Freezing cold water isn’t something I’d want to try.”

“At the time, I didn’t realise that it was because of who I was with. I just thought I’d learnt to deal with the cold.” The faint smile slowly fell from Doyoung’s expression. “You’ve been to the park near the high school, right? You’ve seen the pond?”

“Sure.” Jaehyun knew the place, though admittedly not well. It was just a small playground at the edge of a field, a pond no larger than a swimming pool bordering the fence.

“When I was sixteen I was pushed in. Not because I was gay or anything like that, but just because I was Doyoung.” His smile returned, warped. “And I didn’t think the cold would bother me, but it did. Maybe because I wasn’t expecting it, or maybe because I was alone with the guy that did it. Maybe because I had my schoolwork in my bag, and that went in the water too. Maybe because I thought he’d hold me under. I don’t know why it lingers in the back of my mind, but it does. When I first fell back, I thought the ice was thick enough that I’d hit it and hurt my head, but it cracked beneath my weight. It was odd. I didn’t think I’d die or anything, but that sensation of falling and hitting water that cold – you don’t think of anything. I fell in the water and inhaled it, and I can’t remember thinking of anything other than the shock of it all, the sensation of that ice on my skin and in my lungs. The knowledge that there wasn’t Taeyong stood at the bank with a towel in his hands, Kun stoking a fire to keep me warm. Just a stupid fucking bully laughing at me choking on dirty, frozen water.”

It was evident in the intensity of Doyoung’s expression that he wasn’t looking for pity, which was a relief. Jaehyun wasn’t feeling any kind of pity, just a bone deep fury that someone could be so cruel. “I’m sorry,” he said, voice rough. “You didn’t deserve that.”

“It’s alright,” Doyoung said, looking out at the snow. “Most of the time it fades into the rest of my memories, just an unpleasant thing to remember at inconvenient times. It just hits me sometimes when the weather is this cold. There’s nothing worse than waking in the night to the memory of being pushed through ice.”

Jaehyun was beginning to understand Johnny’s hesitation to ever talk about Doyoung. It hadn’t lasted, but when they’d first met, there’d been a frustrated kind of helplessness he’d shown whenever discussing Doyoung and at times Kun, who both faced bullying as kids. As a kid himself, there was only so much Johnny could have done, only so much Taeyong and Yuta could have done to make things better. It was ultimately the failure of adults that let kids suffer so needlessly, but that didn’t make it easier to deal with. It didn’t make it easier to see a friend unhappy.

The need to embrace Doyoung was a physical ache, but Jaehyun knew Doyoung wouldn’t appreciate it. He didn’t want sympathy for this memory.

He wanted peace.

Jaehyun stood up. “Wait here, okay? I’ll be back in a minute.”

Doyoung’s eyes widened, but he nodded.

With permission granted, Jaehyun darted upstairs and began packing a bag. Clothes at the bottom, scarves and socks and thick woolly hats. Then towels. Two each, then one for luck.

Downstairs, Doyoung was still sat wide eyed, uncertain.

Jaehyun grabbed his car keys and the torch that sat beside his door. “Come on, put your boots on.”

“Where are we going?”

“To the park.”

Doyoung stood. “I don’t want-“

Jaehyun held out a hand. “You don’t have to. I won't force you to anything, but I think you should trust me with this.”

“We’ll miss the end of the movie,” Doyoung said, voice small.

Jaehyun laughed, hand still outstretched. “I’ll buy it online and we can watch it on my laptop when we get back.”

Doyoung didn’t move. Stood beside the couch in his pink pyjamas, hair messy, eyes big, he looked scared.

“I won’t hurt you,” Jaehyun said, trying to keep most of his emotion from his voice. “I promise.”

Doyoung took a step forward. “What’s in the bag?”

“Supplies.” Jaehyun took a deep breath and hoped for a miracle. “Come on, Doie. The sooner we get back the sooner we can see if the guy falls in love with Santa.”

“You know he’s going to end up with the new woman in the office.”

“We won’t know for sure unless we come home and watch it.”

There was suspicion in Doyoung’s gaze, but something else, something closer to defeat. “Why do you want to do this?”

There was exactly one reason, but Doyoung wasn’t ready to hear it yet, and Jaehyun wasn’t ready to admit it. He shrugged. “Why not?”

It was the right thing to say. Doyoung rolled his eyes and grabbed Jaehyun’s hand, linking their fingers. “Fine. Come on, before I change my mind.”

And once again, Jaehyun found himself falling. Once again, his dignity didn’t stand a chance when Doyoung was smiling, however uncertain, however fearfully hopeful.

-

Unsurprisingly, the park was empty.

The only sound as they walked towards the pond was the crunch of their footsteps in the deepening snow, the shaky breaths Doyoung couldn’t quite hide in the quiet. Jaehyun kept a tight hold of Doyoung’s hand, stroking his thumb over the ridges of Doyoung’s knuckles. In the dark, it felt like a secret. It felt like they could do anything as long as they didn’t speak it into truth.

They stopped in front of the frozen pond, Jaehyun dropping his bag into the snow.

Doyoung stared at the ice, eyes veiled. “Why are we here, Jaehyun?”

“To sit in the pond.”

Doyoung’s head shot round to stare at Jaehyun, incredulous. “You’re joking.”

“Nope.”

“I’m not sitting in that fucking frozen pond in the middle of the night.”

“Okay,” Jaehyun said easily. “But I am.”

“Why?”

Jaehyun untangled their fingers, lifting Doyoung’s hand to press a chaste kiss to his palm before stepping forward, inching towards the edge of the water. Despite his conviction, he wasn’t looking forward to being this idiotic. He kicked his boots off and then pulled off his socks, groaning when his bare feet landed back in the snow. The cold was immediate and painful, but the emotion he refused to name kept burning inside of him, so he pressed forward.

Like he’d thought, the ice wasn’t thick enough to hold his weight, and his first step on the pond cracked the surface. His foot plunged into the water and he squealed, embarrassingly high pitched.

“Jaehyun!” Doyoung grabbed his shoulder and pulled him back a step. “What the hell are you trying to achieve here?”

Jaehyun shrugged out of Doyoung’s grip, inexplicably happy. “If I’m being honest, I don’t really know,” he said, plunging his other foot into the water. “This sucks. I’m so cold – this _sucks.”_ He laughed, possibly hysterical, and began wading further into the water. When it reached his thighs, Jaehyun turned back to look at Doyoung, who was stood at the edge of the water, expression lost.

“You should come back,” Doyoung said, barely audible. “You’ll catch a fever.”

Jaehyun took a deep breath and sat down. Then screamed. “It’s so fucking _cold!”_

“You’ll wake people up!”

“I don’t care!” he wailed. “It’s cold! I can’t feel my dick!”

Doyoung looked like he was trying desperately to be angry, but a reluctant smile was growing at the edge of his lips. “What the hell are you doing, Jung Jaehyun?”

“Shivering, mainly,” he said, teeth chattering. “And giving you the memory of me being stupid.”

“But why?”

He didn’t really know. He couldn’t have strung his mangled thoughts together if he were comfortable at home, never mind sat in an icy pond in the middle of the night. All he knew was that Doyoung didn’t deserve to see bad memories when he looked at frozen water, and even if Jaehyun couldn’t fix those experiences for him, he could give Doyoung something else to think about. “I’m reintroducing you to the pond so that you can leave on better terms.”

“You’re a complete fool.” Doyoung shook his head, smile growing. He toed off his boots. “And so am I.”

Watching Doyoung wade into the freezing water felt like more than it really was. Watching him hold his breath and plunge down, only to immediately shout, squeezing his eyes shut and gritting his teeth, felt like more than it really was.

“We’re going to get hypothermia,” Doyoung said, shuddering so hard that the water sloshed.

“I brought towels and fresh clothes,” Jaehyun said.

Doyoung looked at him. “That’s what’s in the bag?”

Jaehyun nodded. He stood, finding his legs weak, and offered a hand to Doyoung. “Come on, lets get dry. Better to be safe than sorry.”

Doyoung took the hand offered, his grip tight. “Some people do shit like this for fun,” he said, hauling himself up, his pink pyjamas stuck to his body. “Cold water swimming. I think they’d call us idiots for trying it so recklessly.”

“Me too,” Jaehyun said, reaching the bag. He pulled out a towel for Doyoung, along with some fresh clothes and his thick coat. “Change as fast as you can, and when we get home I’ll run a bath. You're meant to warm up gradually, so I’ll keep the heat on medium in the car.”

It might not have been the perfect plan, but even as he shuddered all the way home and then curled himself around Chibi as the bath water was running, Jaehyun didn’t regret it. Doyoung was pressed against the hot radiator, still shivering slightly, but still smiling.

“That was so dangerous,” Doyoung said, cheeks bright red from the heat. “It’s good that we only stayed in for a minute. Even professional cold water swimmers aren’t meant to stay in freezing water for longer than ten minutes without a coach watching.”

“You seem to know a lot about cold water swimming.”

“I know a lot about most things.”

“I bet you do. Kim Doyoung, the smartest man I know.”

“I’d say the same about you, but my mother didn’t raise me to be a liar.”

Jaehyun giggled. He felt lightheaded, and not from the cold. It was from Doyoung’s red cheeks, his borrowed clothes, the way his hair was beginning to frizz as it dried from the artificial heat. It was from the way Jaehyun knew he was smart, but somehow around Doyoung he always felt like a fumbling idiot. For someone so organised, Doyoung seemed to inspire chaos wherever he went, and Jaehyun wasn’t immune to it. He didn’t want to be.

“The bath should be ready,” Jaehyun said once his humour had died down. “You should go get yourself warm and clean.”

“What about you?”

“I’ll get the next bath.”

Doyoung rolled his eyes. “I’ve had my tongue in your asshole, Jaehyun. Just get in the fucking bath with me.”

Despite Doyoung's crude word choice, the suggestion sounded romantic. Domestic in the same way that Mingyu and Wonwoo cooked together, just another mundane task made better by beloved company.

Unfortunately, Jaehyun and Doyoung weren’t Mingyu and Wonwoo, and sharing a bath wasn’t sharing a kitchen.

For one, the bath was small. It definitely hadn’t been designed with two grown men in mind, and Jaehyun knew he’d be leaving the tub with the imprint of the metal faucet on his back, Doyoung’s knees bruising his shins.

“This was a bad idea,” Doyoung said, rosy from the steam, a small crease between his brows. “Get out and sit on the toilet lid. You can get back into the bath when I’m done.”

Jaehyun laughed, kicking out slightly at Doyoung’s leg. The space was tight and his back hurt, but it was approaching dawn, and Jaehyun was sat in a bath with Doyoung. It wasn’t romantic or domestic, and it wasn’t perfect, but it was more than he ever thought he’d have, and it was special in its own way.

“Thanks.”

Jaehyun blinked. His eyes were stinging from exhaustion, but it was a small price to pay for Doyoung’s presence. “For what?”

“Everything you’ve done this evening. Calling you was… an impulsive decision, and I thought you’d be asleep. I thought I could just let it ring for a minute and then tell myself that I’d tried, that it obviously wasn’t meant to happen.” Doyoung shrugged. He lifted one hand to rub at the skin of his neck. “I thought at most I’d get an awkward phone call that shamed me back into sleep. I didn’t expect all of this. I didn’t expect you to go so far for me.”

“I didn’t go far,” Jaehyun said, soft. He didn’t want to speak too loudly, scared of breaking Doyoung out of his haze. “We never left the town.”

“We both know that distance isn’t what I value,” Doyoung said, gaze level. “You’re too kind.”

“I’m not. You just deserve more than you think you do.”

Doyoung smiled, faint and tired. “Let’s talk about it another time, when I can be bothered to fight back.”

But Jaehyun didn’t want to fight. He wanted to hold Doyoung until his skin returned to its normal colour, until the ice melted, until he was too warm to dream of being pushed into cold waters.

Jaehyun pulled the plug from the bath. “Come on, lets get dry. We only have a couple of hours until dawn now, and we need to sleep.”

Doyoung nodded. “Am I in the spare bedroom?”

Jaehyun looked at him. “You can stay wherever you want to stay.”

So Doyoung, in borrowed pyjamas no longer pink, ended up in Jaehyun’s bed. He pressed himself to the far side of the mattress, but as soon as the light was off and they were left in the darkness, he moved closer. Inch by inch, he made his way to Jaehyun’s side of the bed, until his nose was pressed against the nape of Jaehyun’s neck, their legs tangled together, Chibi snoring at their feet.

“Don’t remember this,” Doyoung whispered, sliding a hand over Jaehyun’s waist.

It was a lot to ask for. More than Jaehyun could manage. “I will.”

Doyoung sighed, heavy, and his grip on Jaehyun tightened. “Okay,” he said finally. “Then I will too.”


	4. Chapter 4

The body clock was a strange thing. Strange that after two total hours of sleep, Jaehyun would wake with the lazy sun at the same time as usual. Even with the light hidden behind a wall of thick cloud, his eyes knew when to open. His left hand knew to reach down, past his legs, and stroke Chibi’s waiting head, her cold nose nuzzling into his palm as her tail thumped against the mattress. So much of life had become ingrained into his muscles, a well walked path he could traverse with his eyes squinted mostly shut, his brain still foggy from dreams. He could do it all without looking, without thinking.

Then he felt a sigh against his neck, and his eyes shot open.

Unfamiliarity stood stark against a routine so established.

He turned his head to the right, out of the normal entirely, and found Doyoung still asleep. Mouth open slightly, hair a nest against the pillow, he looked so imperfect and human that Jaehyun couldn’t help but adore him.

The love felt like an ache, the stretching of a sore muscle or the clicking of a tight joint. Something deep that felt like relief, but also brought the kind of pain that lingered well after the moment.

It had been years since he’d thought of the story, but staring at Doyoung’s peaceful sleep, Jaehyun couldn’t help but remember his father’s recalling of the moment he’d fallen in love.

 _“It wasn’t the first date, but it was early,”_ he’d said, warmer than his usual brisk tone. _“The first time she laughed uncontrollably I knew I loved her. Even though I barely knew her, the sound of that unfiltered laughter was the prettiest noise I’d ever heard. I knew I’d do everything possible to keep her making such lovely sounds.”_

With Doyoung it wasn’t the laugh. It was before that, not after the first date but before one could even take place. It was the first time he’d truly smiled, his mouth large and his teeth small, joy glowing in his face. Even though Jaehyun barely knew Doyoung, that smile was the prettiest thing he’d ever seen. He knew he’d do everything possible to keep Doyoung making such lovely expressions.

It was probably for the best that Doyoung had left Jaehyun to wake up alone on that heady autumn evening. He would have been terrified of the intensity of Jaehyun’s gaze if he’d awoken to find it on him, like he’d feared he would.

Jaehyun got out of bed for that reason. His goal wasn’t to make Doyoung uncomfortable, it wasn’t to force his emotions onto him or guilt him into reciprocation. His only real goal was to see Doyoung smile.

He brushed his teeth as quietly as possible, Chibi sleepy and heavy as she leaned against his leg. It was only when Jaehyun had reached the kitchen and filled his kettle that he looked out of a window and saw just how deep the snow was getting. Not enough to trap anyone or block any doorways, but deep enough to almost reach a grown man’s knee. Deep enough to warn of deeper yet.

Chibi stood at the back door, unimpressed by the cold as she usually was, so Jaehyun left her to go outside on her own terms and grabbed a bowl of granola, filling Chibi’s bowl for when she was finally ready to have her own breakfast.

After that it was something of a waiting game.

Jaehyun sat on his couch and chewed his granola steadily while his green tea cooled, waiting for the sounds of Doyoung waking upstairs. Waiting for him to suddenly shoot past and run out of the house, never to return.

Eventually, when Jaehyun’s bowl and mug were empty, Chibi joined him on the couch and they watched the weather forecast together, the volume low.

Eventually, Chibi got bored and left for her own housebound adventures, stealing a shoe or ruining another plant pot.

Eventually, Jaehyun became so agitated waiting for Doyoung’s departure that he returned to the bedroom to see if he’d jumped from the window or something.

But no. Doyoung was awake, though it was clearly a recent development. He stared at Jaehyun with his head wedged between the pillows, eyes squinting against the daylight. His hair was even messier than before. Jaehyun was even more in love than before.

“What time is it?” Doyoung asked, voice unusually low. He cleared his throat and blinked tightly, trying to wake himself up.

“Just after seven.”

“Why the hell are you already up? Do I smell bad or something?”

“I was awake,” Jaehyun said, hopelessly endeared by Doyoung’s cranky morning disposition. “And I wanted to give you space.”

Doyoung closed his eyes again. A line appeared between his brows, but when he opened his lids it disappeared again. “I appreciate that, but I’m too exhausted to pretend I want it right now. Come back.”

If he hadn’t already spent an hour overthinking, Jaehyun might have assumed he was still asleep, dreaming beautiful but unlikely dreams.

Even in dreams, Jaehyun wasn’t stupid enough to question something that might disappear with acknowledgement. He climbed back into bed, wriggling until he was comfortable beneath the sheets, staring up at the ceiling.

Doyoung didn’t move. He had more than half of the bed, but that was fine. Jaehyun would have been happy laid on the floor.

“Is it still snowing?”

Jaehyun looked at Doyoung without turning his head, only to find Doyoung already staring at him. “Yes. It’s much deeper now.”

“I thought so. I’m cold.”

“Do you want me to bring in some extra blankets? Or I could make you a hot drink?”

“No,” Doyoung said, gaze steady. The shadows beneath his eyes looked like bruises. “Just hold me.”

Jaehyun was scared that if he touched Doyoung he’d disappear, but without permission his hands were moving, gathering Doyoung’s slender form to his chest, wrapping him up in the embrace. Doyoung sighed, melting into the hold. He pressed his cold nose to Jaehyun’s neck and breathed deeply, slowly.

After a long moment, Doyoung spoke into the silence. “Do you ever wonder what would have happened if you’d stayed in the city?”

Jaehyun blinked. Without realising it, he’d started to slip back into sleep, warm and content with Doyoung in his arms. It lowered his defences in a way he’d be ashamed to admit. “Sometimes. Why?”

“I wonder,” Doyoung murmured. “What could have happened. We might have met in college. We might have dated.”

Jaehyun laughed to pretend it didn’t hurt. “We might have met in college, but we definitely wouldn’t have dated.”

“Why not? Am I not good enough?”

“Don’t say that,” Jaehyun said quietly. “You know how I feel.”

There was a pause. Silently, Doyoung wound one of his cold hands around Jaehyun’s fingers, clinging tight. “I’m sorry,” he said. “For so many things.”

And despite the chill of Doyoung’s skin, Jaehyun melted. “It’s okay.”

Doyoung moved his head, rubbing his nose along the line of Jaehyun’s neck. “Tell me then,” he said. “Why wouldn’t we have dated?”

“You would have hated me.”

It seemed to shock Doyoung out of whatever peace he’d settled into. He looked up, incredulous beneath the nest of his messy hair. “How could I have hated you?”

Jaehyun smiled. He raised his free hand to push some of the hair from Doyoung’s eyes. “I was horrible. Self-absorbed, materialistic, arrogant – name the undesirable trait and I had it.”

“I don’t believe you,” Doyoung murmured. “You? Self-absorbed?”

“It took a lot of effort to unlearn.”

“I can’t picture it at all.”

“If you ask me after lunch I might work up the effort to smirk. You’d see it then.”

Doyoung laughed, but his eyes were still wide. “Jung Jaehyun, the egotistical playboy. I suppose that if I saw you from a distance it could fit, but knowing you as I do, I just can’t understand what kind of environment would have made you like that when your nature is so evidently based on kindness.”

“It was just down to the way I was raised, I guess.”

“In what way?”

Jaehyun unwillingly moved his gaze from Doyoung’s face to the window, the white sky, the ever-falling snow. “I don’t think my parents are bad people,” he murmured. “But they don’t understand me now, and it hurts us all.”

Doyoung’s hand, still so cold, tightened its hold on Jaehyun’s fingers. “They understood you when you were growing up?”

“No,” Jaehyun said. “But they thought they did.”

There was a pause. As if he understood without words that Jaehyun was struggling to face eye contact, Doyoung burrowed his head back into Jaehyun’s neck, leaving a soft, lingering kiss against the skin. “You don’t have to talk about it, Jaehyun.”

“It’s not upsetting me,” he said, honest. “It’s just not something I’ve ever had to word before.”

Doyoung nodded slightly. “Take all the time that you need.”

Whatever self-preservation Jaehyun once possessed was long gone. Doyoung’s quiet, steady nature seemed to encourage secrets and stories never told, his calm gaze a promise that privacy would be kept private, sacred information cherished. “Neither of my parents were born into wealth,” Jaehyun said, finding his words as he went. “They both worked hard to get where they are now, and I think they based that around how they raised me, but in the wrong ways. They didn’t ever want me to experience the ways that they had to grow up, so they encouraged ambition and confidence to the point that I couldn’t even remember my own goals. I just followed along with what they thought was best, and for a long time I assumed that I wanted it too.”

“But you didn’t,” Doyoung prompted.

“No,” Jaehyun said. “I didn’t want to be a lawyer or a barrister. I didn’t want to live in a penthouse and drive fast cars. I wanted something else, but at the time I didn’t know what it was. All I knew was that I hated what I saw when I looked at myself. I dropped out of college and used my savings to pay for the deposit on a run-down shell of a house, and found a job working for Johnny. Luckily, my next-door neighbour was kind enough to bake me pies and help me unpack the three boxes I’d brought. Only two rooms were liveable, but that didn’t bother me. I knew I could make the house a home, and I knew that with time I’d start to recognise myself again. As soon as I went to work on the farm and put my hands into the soil I knew it was where I was meant to be.”

There was quiet for a moment, the kind of tranquillity that accompanied steady breathing like a harmony.

“I don’t blame my parents for my unhappiness,” Jaehyun found himself saying. “I never doubted that they loved me, and I still don’t. But I resent them, I think. I resent the fact that they refuse to understand that I don’t want what they want. I don’t want luxury, I just want… something simple _.”_

“You want peace,” Doyoung said quietly. “You want love in its purest form, and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. There’s no dream too small to be considered unimportant, Jaehyun. If a tiny house and a farm job make you happy, then fuck the people that aren’t supportive of that.”

_You want love._

It hit closer than it should have, but Doyoung’s words always seemed to be aimed and sharp, each an arrow notched and poised at the end of his taut bow.

“And you?” Jaehyun couldn’t help but ask. “Do you want love?”

Doyoung’s gaze was steady. There was no apology, but a sad kind of resignation. “What I want and what I’ll allow myself to receive are two very different things,” he said. “But if I were ever to change, it wouldn’t be for anyone lesser than you.”

-

The snow continued to fall, but after the previous night spent in freezing water, neither Doyoung nor Jaehyun wanted to go back out in the cold. When Ten rang, amused at the absence of his guest, and invited them both out for drinks with Kun and Yuta, Jaehyun declined after a silent agreement with Doyoung. Beneath Chibi and a tower of heated blankets, Doyoung looked entirely uninclined to go out into the snow. Watching Doyoung relax beneath Chibi and the tower of heated blankets, Jaehyun felt entirely uninclined to go out into the snow.

The weather seemed to create a bubble he’d never experienced in the town before. Where neighbours are friends and friends are closer than family, it was often hard to feel alone, for better or for worse.

This felt different.

With the steadily rising snow, Jaehyun felt like his home was at the centre of a quaint snow globe, the rest of the world somewhere on the other side of the glass. For now, all that existed was the house and what lay inside.

“We’re meant to go on a woodland hike tomorrow,” Doyoung said from beneath the blankets. “Originally it was going to be me, Taeyong, Ten, but I think they’re slowly starting to invite everyone.” He smiled faintly. “I was meant to invite you last night, but I forgot. Taeyong will be unimpressed.”

“Is that meant to be my invitation?” Jaehyun teased. “You could have been more enthusiastic about it.”

Doyoung rolled his eyes. “Jaehyun, it would bring me the utmost happiness if you would consider going for a hike with my friends and I tomorrow, weather permitting. I eagerly await your response.”

“I said enthusiasm, not formality.”

Doyoung threw one of the couch cushions. “Join us on the fucking hike. There, it isn’t an invitation anymore, it’s a demand.”

Jaehyun smiled, helplessly endeared by Doyoung’s immediate temper. He was like a match; so easy to light, but so easy to douse. His wrath never seemed to last more than the handful of seconds it took to reach his eyes, and by then his mouth had already softened. “Okay,” Jaehyun said. “I guess I’m joining you all on the hike.”

Doyoung nodded, turning back to the TV and whatever documentary he was watching. He scratched at Chibi’s head, an unconscious, rhythmic motion. Jaehyun watched for as long as he could justify it to himself. If this were the slice of domesticity he was allowed, he’d cherish it. The memory of Doyoung warm in Jaehyun’s clothes would have to last him for the next winters he’d no doubt spend alone in his snow globe.

It was a saddening thought; one he didn’t linger on.

“Coffee?” he offered from the edge of the kitchen.

Doyoung tipped his head back, looking at Jaehyun. “If you wouldn’t mind,” he said. Then, after a moment’s pause, “Do you want me to leave?”

Jaehyun blinked. “No. Why would you ask that?”

“I’ve been here much longer than intended. I don’t want to overstay my welcome.”

“It isn’t possible,” Jaehyun said. “I’ll make your coffee now. Stop saying such ridiculous things.”

Doyoung smiled, small and warm. “Okay. Thank you.”

-

He stayed until the white sky darkened to grey, the sun setting somewhere behind the thick clouds. “I’ll see you tomorrow?” he asked, eyes only slightly uncertain.

Jaehyun nodded. “You will.”

“Good.” He looked around as if memorising the shape of the house, imprinting the warmth and the light into his memory. It made Jaehyun ache more than he already was.

“If you can’t sleep again, or you have more nightmares, just come back,” he said. “The door will be unlocked, and Chibi knows your scent. If you need to come over, then come.”

Doyoung blinked, slow and heavy. “I appreciate the offer, but there’s only so much of my emotional constipation that I can burden you with.”

“Offering comfort to someone you care for doesn’t feel like a burden,” Jaehyun said. “But I’m sure you know that already. Just because it’s you that needs the care this time doesn’t make it any different.”

The smile Doyoung left him with was rueful, the murmured thanks soft and barely audible above the crunch of his footsteps in the snow. Jaehyun watched from his doorway until he saw Doyoung step into Kun’s house, the light from the door welcoming as Ten’s small hands beckoned him inside. Only then did Jaehyun close his own door and turn back to his bedroom, changing into thicker clothes and digging out Chibi’s winter coat from the back of the closet.

When they were both ready for the prolonged cold, Jaehyun fastened Chibi’s leash to the hoops on his belt and grabbed the snow shovel behind the door, plus a couple of flashlights. If he was going to take Chibi on a dark walk while the streets were silent, he might as well dig out a couple of driveways as he went.

-

After a morning of salting driveways and roads with Yukhei and Jungwoo, a walk in the forest with their odd group of friends almost felt like vacation. Striding ahead were Taeyong, Yuta, and Doyoung, each wrapped up in thick coats and long scarves, each pointing in different directions and arguing about where to go.

“They’ve always been like that,” Johnny murmured to Jaehyun, falling back a step to join his pace. “Usually Kun would be up there arguing too, but he has his hands full with Ten.”

It was true. When Jaehyun looked back over his shoulder, it was to see Kun rubbing Ten’s hands, blowing on his fingertips for warmth. Ten was looking at him with a droll fondness, and when he glanced up to meet Jaehyun’s gaze, he offered a wink.

Jaehyun shook his head and turned back to the front, amused and envious. Whatever hesitations that had plagued Kun when he first met Ten were long gone, and he now loved with an honesty that few possessed.

“Will Yukhei be joining us for the next walk?” Johnny asked, bringing attention back to the sparse conversation. His nose was red, peeking over the top of his flamboyant scarf.

“Yeah,” Jaehyun said, still eyeing the scarf. “He’s joining Jungwoo on a grandparent visit today, which is why he dipped just before lunch. They were sad they couldn’t make it, but apparently Jungwoo’s grandma makes the journey worthwhile.”

Johnny nodded. “Old ladies and their baking.”

“Exactly. Yukhei said she’s famous for her apple pies.”

“What I wouldn’t give for a hot slice of apple pie right now,” Johnny said with a groan. “Taeyong makes great pie. I might beg him to bake when we get home.”

“Beg him to send me a slice too, please.”

“I’ll make you a pie!” Kun called forward. When Jaehyun looked back, Kun was still holding Ten’s hands to his face, but this time they were both smiling. “It’s been a long time since I’ve baked for you, Jaehyun. What kind of pie would you like?”

He felt his cheeks heat. “Oh – Kun, I didn’t mean to make you-“

“I know,” Kun said, earnest. “But I’d like to bake you a pie. What kind would you like?”

“Why don’t we all go back to the farmhouse after the walk?” Johnny offered. “I have more than enough in the pantry to make a couple of pies. We could do it as a team.”

“Or a competition,” Ten said, a challenge in his eyes. “May the best pie win.”

“You couldn’t bake a decent pie if a trained patisserie chef were guiding you through each step,” Doyoung said, turning to look at Ten.

Unbothered, Ten just shrugged. “I can pass over ingredients, and that’s all Kun needs me to do.”

“I’m not baking,” Yuta said. “There’s no fucking way I’m gonna let Taeyong put me to shame, I’m not even going to try.” He paused, cocking his head. “I’d be happy to taste test the offerings, though. Partaking as a judge might be better suited to my interests.”

“Teams of two?” Johnny suggested. He looked at Taeyong lovingly. “I won’t add much to the baking part, but you can squeeze my ass if you get stressed.”

“That sounds wonderful,” Taeyong said, eyes big and starry as he looked at Johnny. “Jaehyun, would you be okay working with Doyoung?”

“It depends,” Jaehyun said, just to watch Doyoung scowl. “Can he bake?”

 _“He,”_ Doyoung snapped, “Is more than capable of making a pie. Are you?”

If Jaehyun looked over to any of their friends, he knew their panicked hope would make him bolt. “No,” he said. Then his brain caught up. “I mean yes! I can make pie.”

Doyoung cocked his head, mouth twisting at one corner. “You’ll have to prove it,” he said. “I don’t like losing.” He turned back to the front and started to walk. After a moment of silence, Taeyong and Yuta hurried to catch up.

Johnny didn’t even pretend to act casual. He nudged Jaehyun, teasing. “Baking pies together, huh? What’s next, marriage? Kids? Fiery divorce followed by sexy reunification?”

“Nothing will happen if I ask about it,” Jaehyun said, looking at the back of Doyoung. That was one thing that had always been clear, right from that first meeting over the fence. Doyoung didn’t like to be trapped, he didn’t like to be coerced. If he were to do something, it had to be his decision and his alone. “For now, we’re baking a pie.”

Johnny grinned. “Baking pie is a great start.”

-

It started to snow again on their way to Johnny’s home. The heavy clouds overflowed just as they reached the edge of the farm, emerging from the woodland into the fields of white. It was beautiful. With everything brown and white and grey, it looked like a photograph developed centuries ago, only hills and a lone farmhouse on the horizon, the whole scene monochrome. 

Things weren’t so picture perfect once they got inside and took of their coats, piling them at the door with the boots and bags. It was the kind of mess that children would leave around for their parents to walk into, but Johnny didn’t care. He instigated it, dropping his coat on the floor as a cushion for everyone else’s before waltzing through to the kitchen and immediately making hot drinks while everyone else began digging for ingredients.

Not interested in tea or hot chocolate, Yuta watched over the madness like a benevolent god, a glass of wine in one hand and his phone in the other, ready to take an embarrassing picture at a moment’s notice. The opportunities presented themselves aplenty; Johnny dropped the bag of flour only a couple of minutes into the setup. Not long after, Ten was picking up shards of glass from the empty jar of strawberry jam he’d knocked off the counter.

Jaehyun rolled up his sleeves and stole a sip of Yuta’s wine as he watched Taeyong and Kun scramble to clean up the mess created before they’d even begun to bake. Doyoung, meanwhile, had his eyes on his phone, brows furrowed in a way that meant trouble. It didn’t take a genius to figure out he was reading something work related; his eyes flickered quickly as he read, eyes narrowing.

Jaehyun kicked him.

Doyoung’s eyes shot up, brows furrowing further. “What the hell?”

“Is it your day off?”

“You know it is, or I wouldn’t be here. What kind of-“

“You’re meant to be resting.”

Doyoung’s frown deepened, and Jaehyun prepared himself for an argument. Then Doyoung exhaled. He pocketed his phone and rolled his shoulders. “You’re right. I’ll worry about it when I’m being paid to do so.”

Jaehyun blinked. It wasn’t the outcome he’d expected, but he’d definitely take it over the alternatives he’d planned for. “Oh. Good.”

Yuta slurped his wine loudly. “You guys ready? I wanna judge these pies before I’m drunk, or the alcohol might skewer my opinion.”

Johnny looked up from the floor, flour dusted across his cheeks. “Sure!”

They spread across the kitchen in teams, Kun and Ten occupying the island, Taeyong and Johnny on the left, and Jaehyun and Doyoung together on the right. The oven was warming while they worked on their individual recipes, and Yuta wandered around sampling jams and fruit as he went.

The baking itself went better than the setup, but only because Johnny and Ten were being supervised by their partners. The chances of burning down the house would have been significantly higher without Taeyong and Kun, but it was also funny to watch their individual battles.

Every now and again Jaehyun would look up from the stove where he was caramelising apples and sugar, just to watch Ten try to figure out how to get the seeds out of the cherries he was meant to be destoning. For a man that cursed the existence of fruit, he’d been oddly eager to bet money on his ability to cook it.

“Jaehyun?”

He looked over to Doyoung, who was carefully rolling out their pastry. “Yeah?”

“I think I put too much butter in the mix.” He looked down at the dough, expression remorseful. “I’m sorry.”

Jaehyun moved his pan from the heat and headed over to check the texture. It was mostly smooth, but small lumps of butter could be seen just beneath the surface. He looked up at Doyoung. “It’s fine, the butter was just cold. You haven’t done anything wrong.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yeah.” Jaehyun pointed to the small lumps of butter. “This is good, actually. When they melt in the oven it’ll create little pockets of air in the pastry, which will make it flakier. You’ve made the crust better, if anything.”

“Oh.” Doyoung blinked owlishly. “I lied when I said I could make pie. This is the first time I’ve done it.”

Jaehyun couldn’t help but smile. Now that he knew what Doyoung’s hesitant vulnerability looked like, he could see it in small things that didn’t, at first glance, seem to warrant uncertainty. From retracing the steps he walked as a child to baking a pie for the first time, Doyoung found the strangest things vulnerable, but that made it all the more special when he continued on, regardless of his worry. It made it all the more special that he’d show Jaehyun, even in the company of friends. “I don’t mind,” Jaehyun found himself saying. “I’ve baked enough pies to know what to do. I can teach you.”

“I’ve been googling everything so far,” Doyoung murmured. “Is that cheating?”

“Not enough for me to feel any remorse about keeping it a secret.”

“For the sake of winning?”

 _For the sake of you._ “Sure.”

Doyoung smiled again, small. “Okay. Show me from now on, then. When do we add the cinnamon?”

Jaehyun moved back to the stove, beckoning for Doyoung to put the crust into the oven and then watch Jaehyun’s motions. “We don’t add spices until the apples have cooled a little. I think we should add some nutmeg, too.”

“Won’t it overwhelm the flavour of the apples?”

“Not at all, they go together well. It’ll warm it up too, which is nice for the cold weather.”

The way Doyoung nodded made him look like a student. Young and eager to learn, a little starry eyed. He looked… cute. He looked like he wanted to be right where he was, baking with Jaehyun in Johnny’s kitchen. He looked lighter than he ever had in the town that had jaded his colours.

There were times when Jaehyun hurt, alone, and wondered what it was that made his heart so masochistic to love a man that wouldn’t stay. Looking at Doyoung’s smile, Jaehyun didn’t wonder. There was no way he couldn’t be in love with Doyoung.

“I think the caramel is starting to burn.”

“Shit!” Jaehyun jolted out of his mooning and looked back down at the pan. He turned off the head and moved it quickly. “It’s okay, but only just. Thanks for the warning.”

Doyoung smiled again, small and pretty. “I know enough about cooking to smell burning.”

“Apparently I don’t,” Jaehyun muttered. Then, louder, “Okay, I need to stir in the spices now. Will you check the crust?”

“How do I know if it’s ready?”

“You’ll know.”

“What if I don’t?”

Jaehyun looked at Doyoung. “Trust me, babe. I haven’t failed you yet.”

Watching the blush spread up from Doyoung’s neck was almost worth the delayed humiliation Jaehyun felt when he turned back towards the stove and saw Yuta’s gaze drilling holes into his head.

When the wine was passed over silently, Jaehyun took it, draining the glass before passing it back.

A small noise from Doyoung turned him back to the oven just in time to see Doyoung, hands lost in Johnny’s giant heatproof mittens, holding a perfectly cooked pie crust.

It meant more than it should have, to see Doyoung cradle a pastry like a new-born.

It meant that despite his competitive streak, Jaehyun didn’t care that Taeyong’s peach pie won the competition.

It meant that when Donghyuck returned from his date with Mark, retching dramatically at the domestic scene of adults baking, Jaehyun could only laugh.

It meant that when Johnny and Doyoung started fighting as they cleaned the dishes, Jaehyun couldn’t bring himself to take Johnny’s more than justified side. He just agreed with Doyoung automatically, uncaring of the topic they were arguing.

Taeyong groaned tiredly, leaning against the window to watch his friends. He smiled at Jaehyun. “Not bored of the violence yet? It’s only a matter of seconds before Yuta jumps in.”

There were soap bubbles in Doyoung’s hair, water soaking his shirt. He was laughing so hard that he couldn’t even pretend to be pissed at Johnny’s petty water flicking. “I’m not bored of it,” Jaehyun said, voice soft. “Were things always like this?”

Taeyong nodded. “Kun and I watching on as everyone else got themselves into a mess? Yeah. Doyoung likes to pretend that he was the voice of reason, but he got into just as much trouble as everyone else. He just found different ways to do it, and half of the time we didn’t find out until it was already over and he’d won.”

Jaehyun laughed. “Amazing.”

“It was. He still does it, you know.”

“Does what?”

“He waits until the trouble is over and only tells us then. That way he doesn’t have to ask for help, because we don’t know he needs us until the moment is gone.”

Jaehyun couldn’t pretend he didn’t understand Doyoung’s techniques when his own were so similar. But still, it was sad. Sad to see someone so loved close himself off from people that would do anything to help.

“Things are better now,” Taeyong said suddenly.

Jaehyun looked at him. He wasn’t smiling so much anymore, but there was something in his eyes that Jaehyun had rarely seen. It was there when he looked at Johnny, when he kissed his kids on the forehead, when he saw Ten and Kun holding hands, when he stroked a hand through Doyoung’s hair. “Things?”

“Things were always like this,” Taeyong said, gesturing around the room to the happy chaos. “But they’re better now because you’re here too.”

-

That night, while Jaehyun was falling asleep once more to the falling of the snow, he heard his front door creak.

Chibi didn’t bark, so Jaehyun didn’t move.

Minutes later, Doyoung climbed into the bed and curled himself around Jaehyun. “You’ll remember this too, won’t you?”

Jaehyun nodded, heart thudding. “I will.”

“Good.” Doyoung pressed their lips together, kissing Jaehyun with all of the longing he knew was mirrored in his own bleeding heart.


End file.
